I Was At The Cross

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I was at the cross. I watched as Jesus hung there between two criminals, yet He is an innocent man. Why does it have to be like this? The pain, torture, agony. I thought He was the Messiah. The One we’ve waited for but I didn’t expect Him to be crucified.

A crowd has gathered to watch Jesus suffer. Some, like me, are sad and confused. Others just mock Him, tease Him about being King of the Jews. “He IS the King!” I want to shout but I’m afraid they’ll put me on a cross too. Isn’t Jesus going through enough? Just leave Him alone.

I can hear the criminals talking to Jesus. “Save yourself and save me too,” says the one, just mocking Jesus. But the other criminal… he seems to know the truth. “We are guilty. We deserve this. But this man, Jesus, is innocent.”

I stand here paralyzed by grief as tears stream down my face. Jesus is almost unrecognizable because of the beatings He has endured. He doesn’t deserve this.

I think about what He said. The miracles He did: feeding thousands with just a few loaves of bread, healing the sick, giving sight to the blind, bringing Lazarus back from the dead! He has led an amazing life, always pointing to the Lord. A perfect life. He shouldn’t be hanging on a cross.

Me on the other hand… the things I’ve said and done and thought … I should be the one on the cross.

I try to fit these puzzle pieces together in my mind to make sense of all that is happening. Before I know it, Jesus speaks: “It is finished.” He took His last breath and He’s dead.

It is finished…? What is finished? It seemed like it was just beginning…

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He Found Them Sleeping

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Everyone is known for something. Their job, family, personality, jokes they tell.  I am famous for sleeping. When I was a baby my parents had the entire second story of the house constructed. I learned to sleep through the hammering and sawing, and so we credit my deep sleeping abilities to the early days of my life.

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I’ve slept while a poopy diaper sat on the pillow next to my nose. I’ve slept in an arcade when supervising a youth group retreat. I’ve slept in restaurants (although that was after a concussion so it doesn’t seem like it should count). I’ve slept in my car – if Jack can do it, so can I. I taught my nieces and nephews how to play a sleeping game so that I could actually sleep longer instead of getting up to play. I’ve slept at work waiting for our party to begin. While I may enjoy sleeping, I realize some things are more important. Still, it can be hard to choose to wake up early.

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Just days before Jesus was going to be crucified, He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane and a few disciples were with Him. Jesus tells the disciples to keep watch while He goes to pray. He returns to find them sleeping. “Couldn’t you keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so you don’t fall into temptation,” Jesus said to them as He went away a second time to pray.

When Jesus came back, He again found them sleeping because their eyes were heavy. This time Jesus didn’t even say anything to them, but turns and goes away to pray a third time. Returning, Jesus finds them still sleeping.

How would you feel if you were Jesus? Facing torture and death and your friends are clueless – sleeping because their eyes were heavy. I wonder what the disciples missed out on because they were sleeping. We know they couldn’t have prevented Jesus’ death. Jesus said He had to die. What was He praying for those three times? For God to take the cup away from Him. “Yet not as I will but as You will,” Jesus prays to the Father.

I wonder what have I missed out on because I was sleeping. Have I missed opportunities to show compassion to friends? Have I missed time with the Lord because I chose to sleep instead of pray? Have I misunderstood what God is trying to say to me?

We know that we all need sleep. God created us like that and He says in His word that He gives His beloved sleep (Psalm 127:2) and that our sleep will be sweet (Proverbs 3:24). But I don’t want Jesus to find me sleeping. I don’t want to be “asleep” to His word or His guidance or His message for me. But to be aware of how the Lord is leading me, I need to read the Bible and pray. And in my life that’s going to mean choosing less sleep.

Matthew 26:36-46

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*I’d like to point out that I wrote this instead of taking a nap. 🙂

**My new favorite sleeping position is cuddling with Jack!

Shine On

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It seems to be around this time each year that we Midwesterners complain about the weather. Anxious for spring to begin and bring the sun and warm we’ve been missing. Meanwhile piles of snow linger next to driveways and the weather report shows an upcoming snowstorm this weekend. But the sun is out today. And kids are soaking it up, running around in hoodies and Uggs. Spring break officially started. For those who still get a spring break.

It seems so appropriate that Easter would be next week. Another “spring” if you will. Death. Rebirth. Celebration.

When Jesus died on the cross and was buried in the tomb, His followers were confused. They hadn’t understood His death was necessary, that it was the path He chose. The three days Jesus was in the tomb, His followers weren’t waiting to celebrate Easter. They didn’t know He would live again. They were mourning. Trying to reconcile their faith in Jesus as the Messiah and their confusion that things didn’t go as they expected.

Have you ever been in their shoes? Things don’t turn out as you expect and you’re sitting around mourning a “death” when spring is around the corner? The hardest part is believing “spring” will come and not knowing when it will arrive. How long do you wait? What if the disciples gave up after two days? What if they agreed their idea of Jesus being the Messiah was wrong.

“Hey everyone, forget the miracles you saw, the healings, the amazing teaching. We don’t really know who Jesus was, but He wasn’t the one we were waiting for. Sorry…”

But you can’t forget. It’s the memory of the miracles that gets you through the questions, the trials, the doubts.

I think it’s funny how everyone is complaining of the cold. This happens every year. Don’t you all remember? Spring will come. Jesus rose from the grave.

The trials you’re going through may not have a happy ending now, but someday you’ll look back and see the spring-like transformation God has done in your life. He makes all things new. He brings the dead back to life. He gives you beauty where there were ashes. He restores. He redeems. He has risen. He has risen indeed.

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NOT a Diet Book

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When I was on bed rest several friends, acquaintances, even strangers – very nice strangers – signed up to bring dinner over. It was wonderful! One of these nice strangers has become a friend from my Bible study. She had brought Greek food, and while I’m not a very adventurous eater, I loved it! Last week I was thinking I should make what she had made us, but my knowledge of Greek food is so little I didn’t even know what to google (I guess you could say “it’s all Greek to me!” Ha!)

So I emailed my friend explaining my conundrum and she promised to bring recipes to Bible study. (My friend will remain nameless just in case she’s not this nice to everyone). Bible study mornings can be kind of busy for me between making sure Jack is taken care of in the nursery and practicing music with the band. This particular morning my friend had to leave early so she hands me a bag and says “I’ll email you about the book.”

I open the bag after study and pull out The South Beach Diet book. Most people may think a diet book… what is she trying to tell me?! Which is why I received an email from her later with the subject line “I did NOT give you a diet book!” I wasn’t offended. Not only did she buy me a cookbook with the recipes I wanted, but she went through and flagged her family’s favorite meals! She’s pretty amazing.

It was like a strange giveaway at bible study that week because I also received a reminder card to hang in the shower about breast self-exams to prevent breast cancer. [Other weeks I’ve received a gingham print children’s chair with “Jackson” embroidered on it, as well as a small bag with “Jack” embroidered which has come in handy to tote around Jack’s toys and food! Both passed down to us from an older Jackson and Jack. It’s so great!]

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Oh yeah, and it was also a great lesson… praising God even in the midst of our suffering. When you’re going through a hard time, it’s like you have a checklist: talk to friends, read self-help book, eventually pray … But praise God. Thank God even for the hard time you’re going through. It doesn’t seem natural.

When we fix our eyes on the Author of our faith, the Sustainer of the universe, Creator of the world, Lover of our souls, we realize He does have a plan and as much as we dislike what is currently happening we can trust Him. This horrible thing in our life didn’t surprise the Lord. It hasn’t caught Him off guard. It has been woven into His perfect plan, with perfect timing, in our life and He will work all things together for us who love Him and are called to His purpose (Romans 8:28). I wonder what bible study will be like tomorrow!

Yesterday I Couldn’t Walk

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This post should have been written last week but I was too busy hobbling around.

Last Monday night I sprained my ankle playing soccer. (Hopefully that’s glamorous enough of a story for you because all I did was step and turn and my ankle didn’t come with me.) I heard a lot of cracking, breaking noises as I fell to the turf. I was hoping my ankle wasn’t broken because how do you take care of a 9 month old who doesn’t stop moving when you can’t move yourself?

Arriving home, as I hopped through the house to shower and change, I realized my chances of taking care of Jack on my own the next day were slim. My mother-in-law (“Mimi”) and grandmother-in-law (“Granny”) came over to help with Jack. It also happened to be a huge snowstorm.

IMG_1541Before Mimi and Granny arrived I tried putting Jack down for a nap. I pulled him onto my lap, sat in my computer chair, and rolled over to the stairs, where I hopped/limped up and laid Jack in his crib.  He was much too curious about our mode of transportation to go to sleep. After a few attempts, we went back downstairs and cuddled on the couch watching Dinosaur Train. I tried to ice (with a frozen bag of corn – it’s the best ice pack!) but Jack wondered what it was. Eventually I quit icing and Jack fell asleep on the couch.

When Mimi and Granny arrived (and even brought lunch!), I left Jack in their capable hands – and movable feet – and drove myself for x-rays to make sure the ankle wasn’t broken. Although it took the doctor forever, she finally confirmed my ankle was just sprained. Then she tried to put my old air brace on me which I had brought with, but she adjusted it incorrectly… At one point she said “You probably know more about this than I do!” Yes, I’m sure my previous injuries are the equivalent of a Medical Degree.

That evening I talked to my mom, requesting her assistance for the next day to help me get back into this walking thing which was painful and nearly impossible.  She gladly agreed.

Wednesday morning I woke up, and despite the still-swollen and still-bruised ankle, I walked on it with almost no problems and little pain. Jack decided he’d help me test this out.

Jack standing at the table he's not supposed to stand at.

Jack standing at the table he’s not supposed to stand at.

  1. Jack poops. I change his diaper. He finishes his bottle. While he’s playing nicely on his play mat I rinse the bottle and put in dishwasher.
  2. I rush back to find Jack playing with the blinds and he has pooped again. I’m not sure what transpired except that I put my glass of water on the coffee table, went to the kitchen for literally 5 seconds before I hear some clinking noises.
  3. Jack spilled my water on the table and floor but thankfully the glass was rolling on the floor and not broken.
  4. Poopy and somewhat wet Jack was sent to jail, I mean the pack & play, so I could dry the floor.
  5. I changed the second poopy diaper. But before I can get a new one on, a fountain shoots forth (which always shocks me like I don’t know where it’s coming from. In fact most of the time this happens, I actually back away from the fountain, instead of covering it.)
  6. Jack goes back in pack & play so I can clean up his pee. 
  7. Returning to Jack I see he managed to reach the box of Kleenex on the side table and had shredded a Kleenex, dropping most of it on the floor and I assume eating the other parts.
  8. Then Jack spits up all over pack & play.

That was only the first hour he was awake! I was definitely ready for a nap. So my mom, Grammy, shows up while Jack is napping. But since she always wants to be productive (and is aware of my infrequent deep-cleaning of my house (or cleaning, not even “deep“)), she begins to clean. She’s wonderful.

About the time she finished cleaning the house, my ankle was miraculously healed! (I joke, but I’m kind of serious). At least my ability to keep up with Jack was almost back to normal, and to do so without much pain. “Mom, yesterday I couldn’t even walk.” I tried to explain that I really did think I was going to need her help, but turns out I would’ve been ok. Thankfully Grammy loves any excuse to see her precious little Jack.

What a blessing to have family who drop everything to come help me! And I’m very thankful my ankle is healing quickly.  Back to soccer next week!

Love It. Hate It.

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I’ve found recently there are several things I both love and hate simultaneously. I’ve been making a mental list in preparation for this blog.IMG_3869

1. Jack will be fussy late afternoon despite my fun and creative playing with him. Then Jeff walks through the door and Jack smiles and cheers like he’s been a perfect little boy.
Love It: Jeff’s a great dad and I’m glad Jack is happy to see him.
Hate It: what’s wrong with playing with me?

2. In the middle of the night Jack sometimes cries. As soon as I pick him up he is quiet and asleep in my arms.
Love It: Jack is so cute and cuddly when he is asleep!
Hate It: I had to get out of bed and walk on a cold floor.

Jack cuddling with Mama because he wouldn't sleep in his crib. Another Love/Hate.

Jack cuddling with Mama because he wouldn’t sleep in his crib. Another Love/Hate.

3. When Jack and I arrive to see family, or friends, or Bible study. People immediately greet Jack.  It takes about half an hour later for them to say hi to me.
Love It: Jack is so cute and fun and smiles when he sees you, not to mention he’s changing everyday, so it makes sense people would greet him more.
Hate It: You know Jack wouldn’t be here visiting you unless I had driven him over 😉

4. Usually Jack is with me at the grocery store. He sits in the cart like a little big boy and smiles at everyone we see, especially those of grandparent-age. People smile back, tell me how adorable he is, and often we are in conversation for a few minutes. Shopping without Jack is quicker, but less friendly. People aren’t as forgiving when you almost run into them with your cart.
Love It: I enjoy showing Jack off and getting into conversations with strangers. I think Jack brightens people’s days.
Hate It: I can brighten people’s days too. I smile. Just smile back once in awhile.

5. Sometimes I worry about Jack: what he’s eating, who can babysit him, what he’s going to be like when he grows up, he’s going to grow up and not be in my arms anymore. But continually God is reminding me that He is in control – not me, as much as I think I am often. God holds Jack in His hands. His purposes are greater than I can imagine. I can trust the Lord with everything, including my precious Jack.
Love It: My faith is growing as I learn to let go of my concerns and realize that God cares and God is in control.
Hate It: I don’t want to worry. I know I have to continually surrender my cares to God.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

“Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders— He’ll carry your load, He’ll help you out. He’ll never let good people topple into ruin. But you, God, will throw the others into a muddy bog, Cut the lifespan of assassins and traitors in half. And I trust in you.” Psalm 55:22-23 (The Message)

Marriage Is More

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On Friday Jeff and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. I posted a picture and status about it on facebook and was amazed at all the comments and “likes.” Normally only my good Jack photos get that many likes!

0372I wrote: “Five years ago Jeff and I smiled all day as we said “I do.” Through these five years we’ve seen God’s faithfulness on (literal) mountain tops and valleys. What a journey with a wonderful husband!”

I think so many people liked and commented because everyone wants a good story and a happy ending.  It’s the fairy tale everyone dreams about when they are little. And everyone can relate to the ups and downs.

For me, marriage is better than I imagined.  Of course there are ups and downs, as there are in any marriage. But the downs are less burdensome when you have someone else to help you. And the ups are even better with someone to rejoice alongside you.

Some people these days say marriage is dead, or marriage is just a piece of paper.  But it’s so much more. No other union, or non-union, has the same benefits of marriage. Married people are happier, healthier, and better-off financially (read the book – it’ll tell you a lot of research stuff).

It makes sense that worldly research would support what God’s word says. “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” Ecclesiastes 4:9.

If you “liked” or commented on my facebook post, thank you. It certainly helps to have a community of support and examples of faithful marriages.

If you’re married and going through a valley, stick with it.  There’s a mountain top ahead. And if you’re on the mountain top, stay strong. Use that strength for the valleys that may come.  No matter what comes, two are better than one.

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Anxiety or Faith?

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A newsletter from our hospital just arrived in the mail. I glanced through the articles and my eyes stopped at “Patients Learn to Face Down Anxiety.” Sounds interesting. An anxiety cure has been found…

A patient in the program explains, “Instead of trying to eliminate your negative thoughts, you accept that you have them.” Maybe that will work from time to time, but I have a better solution.

Resist the negative thoughts. Instead think about “whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things… And the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:8-9).

With you. What’s the cause of most anxiety? Letting negative thoughts consume you, thinking you’re in control, the only one who cares, the only one who can do anything about it. But you’re wrong. I think somewhere deep inside we know that we can’t fix everything. We can’t protect our loved ones from every sickness, bully, bad grade, or injury. We can’t keep them alive, or keep them home, or keep them from losing their job. As much as we may try, we can’t do a lot of things. We don’t run the world.

Good thing. We would make a lot of mistakes.

The Lord – who does rule the world, whether we want Him to or not – The Lord is with us. If we think how He directs us, we will have peace not anxiety.

The next time you’re on the verge of anxiety or worry or fear, pray. Pray to the God who is with you, who holds your cares in His hand, who loves you more than you can comprehend. Pray to the One who is able to do more than all you ask or imagine.

“Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things… And the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:8-9).

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Immediate Faith

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I’ve been reading Mended by Angie Smith whenever Jack falls asleep in the car. It’s perfect for a “car book” because it has short, devotional-like chapters. A few chapters about Peter, one of Jesus’s disciples, helped me see his faith that acts immediately.

Peter was a fisherman. One day Jesus walked by and said “follow me” and Peter went immediately.

When Mary Magdalene said Jesus wasn’t in the tomb, most of the disciples stood around wondering how this could be. Peter ran to the tomb immediately.

But my favorite example of Peter’s faith is walking on water. The disciples are in the boat out on the sea but Jesus had stayed behind. Now in the dark of night, Jesus comes to the boat walking on water. The disciples weren’t sure who it was, so Peter challenges in faith, “If its You, Lord, tell me to come to You on the water.” Jesus says come and Peter steps out of the boat.

He steps out of the boat –
into deep water
in the dark
out of the comfort of his boat and friends
trusting Jesus has the power to keep Peter walking on top of the sea.

And it works. Peter walks on water with Jesus! Then he looks around and gets scared. Peter sees the waves and the water. He realizes what he’s done and he gets scared. Even though Jesus had already proved Peter could walk on water.

Peter starts to sink. He calls out “Lord save me!” Immediately Jesus reaches out and grabs him.

Peter was the only disciple bold enough to believe Jesus – in the darkness, the wind, the waves, the middle of the sea – and therefore he was the only disciple to walk on water. Are you sitting in the boat with your friends, comfortable, unwilling and unwanting to boldly trust God to do the impossible?

As far as we know the other disciples weren’t punished for not walking on water. But I think they missed out on a miracle. A blessing. A gift.

Or are you walking on water but nervous about the wind and waves around you? Trust The Lord. Cry out to Him like Peter did – Lord save me – and know that He will. “Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and grabbed him. ‘You of little faith, why did you doubt?’ And when they climbed into the boat the wind died down. Those in the boat worshipped Him and said ‘Truly You are the Son of God.'”

The story of Jesus and Peter walking on water can be found in Matthew 14.

Leaning On God

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Over the last two years I’ve stood at Caleb’s grave, leaning against this tree many times. I’ve cried because I miss him. I’ve prayed because God promises comfort and peace. I’ve smiled remembering how cute his little face was and how small his feet were. I’ve read the Bible to find hope and strength.

One month after Caleb was born I stood at his grave and read the story where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. I told God I believe He could do it, so please Lord raise Caleb from the dead? Then I stood there wondering how it would happen, looking for the ground to shake and Caleb to crawl out. But Caleb wasn’t raised that day.

Today, Caleb’s second birthday, I drove out to his grave. Jack was fighting taking a nap this afternoon but he is powerless against napping in the car. So I put Jack in the car and drove out to Caleb’s grave. As I drove I asked God to speak to me. Give me something insightful, comforting, peace-giving today.

I saw a flower and note from Grammy and Granddad. I had nothing to lay at his grave since I left with Jack in a bit of a hurry, so I wrote “we love you” in the snow. As I stood there leaning against my tree, I prayed, cried, and read Scripture. The last verse of Psalm 33 is on Caleb’s headstone so I read the Psalm.

“For the word of The Lord is right and true. He is faithful in all He does.” (v4)

“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You.” (v20-22)

We wait in hope that one day we will see Caleb again in heaven. We rejoice in The Lord for giving us Caleb as our first precious boy. We trust The Lord. We look to Him as our help and shield to comfort us along this journey. As I wrote about yesterday, the sadness hasn’t really gone away. It comes and goes depending on the day. But there’s purpose in it.

Because of Caleb I have real faith. I’ve learned to depend on God to get me through each day. I’ve read the Bible not out of duty, but because it is life-giving. My worship is more true, understanding that God gives and takes away, but still I bless His name.

What God reminded me today is that He is all I need. I know God, but I’d really like to have Caleb here. I am all you need. Though I don’t always live it, I know it in my head. And for today, that’s enough.

Happy birthday Caleb! We love you always!

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