This weekend I played guitar for the IF Gathering, a local women’s conference at church that featured some video speakers from the national conference, as well as featuring some local speakers. At 10pm on Friday night my sister who organized the event realized a couple people she had asked weren’t able to speak the next morning and there was a gap in the schedule.

I was standing there with the planning team when one said, “Debbie why don’t you share your story?” We all kind of laughed because it was such short notice. Except I’ve written so many different parts of it, I thought I could combine things if you want. About 11 hours later, I shared my story…

About 13 years ago I had some news for my husband, so I made him a special dinner. He walked in the door and I told him the menu. “Tonight we are having BABY back ribs, sweet BABY ray’s bbq sauce, and BABY carrots.” Jeff said “Oh that’s funny. All those things have “baby” in the name.” It took him a minute to figure out the news was that I was pregnant!

We were so excited for our first baby. We dreamed and planned … But halfway through the pregnancy our dreams came to a crushing end. I found myself being rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, doctors telling me that I’m already in labor and they can’t stop it. I would have to deliver our baby that night but he wouldn’t survive. 

A range of emotions and thoughts filled our minds over the next few hours as we waited for labor to intensify. But our main focus was, we didn’t have a name for this baby. What do you name a baby who will go straight to heaven?

There was one bible story that kept coming to mind. It’s the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt. They had miraculously left Egypt, survived the plagues that God sent to Pharaoh and the Egyptian people, the Israelites crossed the Red Sea on dry ground as God parted the waters.. and now they’re in the desert where God miraculously provided manna for them. They were on their way to the Promised Land. It’s called “the Promised Land” because God promised to give this land to the Israelites. That simple.

Moses decides to send 12 men into the promised land to spy on it, to check it out and report back to the people what they find. These 12 men come back and say the land is amazing. It’s exactly how God promised – flowing with milk and honey, filled with the best fruits. BUT 10 men said there are giants living there. And we can’t beat them. The other 2 men said yes there are giants, but God is giving us this land. Let’s go! Those two men were Joshua and Caleb. Unfortunately the Israelites caved in to the fear that the 10 men had. They were afraid of the giants. They doubted God. And so God said that those people would not see the promised land. The entire generation would die, except for Joshua and Caleb.

They roamed around the wilderness, the desert for 40 years, waiting for that generation of Israelites to die. Then Joshua and Caleb, now in their 80s would lead the people into the promised land.

What does this story have to do with a baby? I knew there were going to be “giants” in my future. There would be fears about having children, trying to get pregnant again, losing another baby. I did not want to live in fear.  I wanted to be like Joshua and Caleb who had faith in God. So I said to my husband, how about we name the baby Joshua? He said there was a Josh in kindergarten who punched him in the nose. So how about Caleb?

Naming our baby Caleb was a reminder – is still a reminder – to me to not give in to fear and worry, but to have faith in God. Because of Jesus, I have faith.

Caleb died at birth. We held his body all night. The next day we left the hospital without him and began planning his funeral. In the days and weeks and months that followed, the grief I experienced was unlike anything I had ever known. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night. I had always been a pretty stoic person, but after having Caleb, there was no filter on my emotions. I remember being at the grocery store when the checkout lady asked “how are you?” And I began tearing up “I’m not good…” My husband would be like “She’s not really asking to hear your story.” But I felt like I was an open book, like sorrow was written on my face.

What got me through these days was the Word of God. Thankfully I grew up going to church, in high school I made my faith my own, and in college I had begun reading the Bible every day. This foundation of faith saved me. In my time of sorrow and mourning, Bible verses came to my mind of God’s comfort, of God being with the broken-hearted, of God seeing every tear I cry, of God’s unfailing love. Despite the grief and the sorrow, I had peace. Because of Jesus, I have peace.

Several months later I got pregnant again. From the beginning, I was confident that everything was going to be fine. But halfway through the pregnancy, I began to have the same problems. Thankfully the doctors were able to do emergency surgery putting in a cerclage to keep the baby safe inside me. Except it meant I had to be on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy – 4 months flat on my back.

Those months of bed rest could have been filled with fear and worry and anxiety. Because of losing Caleb, I understood very clearly that bed rest meant life or death for this baby. There was nothing I could do, no money I could pay, no medicine to take to fix this situation. The only thing I could do was pray.

I happened to be reading in Mark at that time and came across 11:24 where Jesus is talking to his disciples about faith. Jesus says to them, “Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you HAVE received it, and it will be yours.” It really struck me to believe you have already received it, as if it was past-tense. So I prayed for a full-term baby. I started a blog and I asked friends and family to pray with us. At my weekly doctor appointments, they would measure everything and then say my goal was 24 weeks, then 26 weeks, then 28 weeks. And every time I would say, “no, I’ve prayed for a full-term baby and I believe God will give him to us.” I didn’t say this as a way to try to witness to my doctors. I said it because I needed to believe. I needed to keep reminding myself that because of Jesus, I have faith.

At 37 weeks a baby is considered full-term. My doctor removed the cerclage and I was no longer on bed rest. It was May so I was pulling weeds and doing yard work, so excited that I could finally do whatever I wanted. The doctors expected the baby would come any day. I knew my prayer was answered and expected the baby to come soon too. But at 40 weeks and 5 days I was induced! God did what only He could do. My doctors were great, medical advancements are great. But some things you know are only God. That healthy baby boy was my son Jack who is now 11 years old. I have another son, Parker, who is 8. Because of Jesus, I have faith.

Today I have a different kind of suffering. It has been 5 months since my last concussion. I have had 4 concussions in my life, but the last three were in less than two years from playing adult recreational indoor soccer. After 5 months I still have headaches, I still have some dizziness, I still have a lot of fatigue, I still have times of being irritable. I have times where I struggle to remember the words I want to say. Times when writing or reading or playing guitar are really challenging. I still see a physical therapist and an occupational therapist every week. Although I have made a lot of progress, I’m still in a period of suffering. At times I doubt and I struggle and I question, “is this my new normal?” 

It’s hard to be suffering and still functional. It’s hard to be suffering and still take care of my kids – especially when they want to play soccer or football and I can’t run yet. It’s hard to be suffering and still take care of work and responsibilities, or my house, or my family. It’s hard to be suffering and have faith. It’s hard to be suffering and have peace.

But I look back and see what God has done in my life. I look back and I see the peace He gave me when I was grieving Caleb. I see the faith God gave me when I was on bedrest. And now I see the Hope. Because of Jesus I have hope that this isn’t the end of my story. Hope that fear is not my future and sickness is not my story. It’s not about a cure. Yes, I hope that one day I will be fully healed. But like Katherine Wolf said in her talk last night, it’s not about a cure, but about what God is doing in me now in this process to get to healing. Because of Jesus I have hope that His plan is better than my plans. Hope that He can work all things together for good. Hope that He can bring purpose to my pain. Because of Jesus I have hope.

Maybe you can relate to parts of my story. Maybe you have experienced miscarriage or infant loss or pregnancy challenges. Maybe you have walked through a health crisis. Maybe you’re walking through it now. Maybe the challenges you have faced have been a wayward child, a divorce, the loss of a career, the death of a parent… unfortunately we know difficulties will come. 

But I hope like me that you have a foundation of faith to rest on. I hope that you will be able to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. That you would rest in God’s promise to mold us into becoming more like Him. That you would consider it pure joy when you face trials, knowing that the testing of our faith would produce perseverance.

Because of Jesus, I have peace.

Because of Jesus, I have faith.

Because of Jesus, I have hope.

Lets pray. Lord Jesus I thank you that you are the Giver of all good gifts. I thank you that you never leave us or forsake us. Thank you Lord for walking with us through life’s difficulties, for being our comfort. Thank you for giving us peace, faith and hope. In Jesus’ name, Amen.