Anxiety in Anticipation

Are you ever anxious or worried about an upcoming day, but the day ends up being fine? My friends who have lost children have agreed that usually anticipating the holidays or anniversaries is worse than the actual day itself. Mothers Day was like that for me.

The season of Mothers Day is challenging, as I wrote about last. I don’t even like picking out cards because inevitably I’ll start crying thinking of what could’ve been with Caleb. I’m not a stranger to crying in public… It’s still kind of normal for me even though it doesn’t happen often.

I went to Jewel on Saturday before Mothers Day. I hadn’t been grocery shopping in months, but I only needed to pick up a few things. However I forgot what a bad decision it is to go to the grocery store before holidays. I’m used to people moving out of my way since I’m pregnant, but people at Jewel could have cared less if they were in my way. One nice lady who works at Jewel said “happy Mothers Day” to me and another woman. I was on the phone and barely acknowledged her, mainly because I thought I’d start crying again. So to the woman at Jewel, thank you. Your simple words meant a lot.

At church they asked all the moms to stand but I didn’t stand. We had just been standing to sing, then sat down, and then they asked moms to stand… it was more movement than I was interested in. But I felt like I was not standing intentionally, in support of all the “moms” whose children aren’t by their side. On the way out they handed roses to some women. I didn’t try to get one, but another woman saw me and handed me her rose. “You need this more than I do,” she said. “Happy Mothers Day,” she added. I don’t know if she saw the tears in my eyes. I didn’t say much to her, though I wonder if she had a story. She looked like she was in her 40s and walked out of church with her husband, but no kids. I think I mumbled “thank you” but I wish I had taken a moment to tell her how much that meant to be recognized as a mom.

On Mothers Day, we had lunch with my family, then dinner with Jeff’s family, and then Jeff and I watched the season finale of Survivor. It was a good day. I don’t know why anticipating the day is always worse than the day itself. Maybe it’s good to have time beforehand to think, appreciate what I have, understand the stories of others.

“This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.” Psalm 118:23

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