Near To Me

“The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Tomorrow, February 24, marks two years since Caleb was born. A day that instantly changed my life. Instead of welcoming a son into our arms, we ushered him to heaven.

I wanted to do something special tomorrow to set aside the day remembering Caleb. But I wasn’t sure what to do. I thought maybe a birthday party, like I know many people do, and invite all of you. There’s certainly plenty to celebrate and thank God for what He has done in my life, and many others, over the last two years because of Caleb. But the truth is I’m still sad. Deep down inside me I know Caleb is in a better place, but selfishly, most of me would rather he be here with me.

I’ve realized the sadness doesn’t go away. It’s not always prevalent, but its always there. The loneliness, feeling like someone is missing. But I don’t want it any other way. Someone is missing. It’s right to feel like that.

I wondered if having Jack would make losing Caleb easier. In some ways, yes. Jack makes me an “official” mom, allowing me the role of mothering. But in many ways its harder. Everything I have with Jack are things I missed with Caleb. Hearing him laugh, discovering new sounds he can make, cuddling him to sleep, watching him outgrow clothes faster than I can buy them, seeing him smile.

In my sadness I am comforted that God is close to me. He is near to the brokenhearted. He understands the hurt and sadness, and He reminds me that I will see Caleb laugh and smile. In heaven. Until then I will be near to The Lord who is near to me. I will look to Him for strength when I’m weak. I will depend on His mercies being new every morning. I trust that He will continually turn my mourning into dancing and my weeping into rejoicing. He has been faithful to do this over the last two years. I can count on Him to always be faithful. Thank You Lord!

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