Tag Archives: grief

Not What I Would Have Planned

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Last weekend we had plans to go to Lake Geneva for a race Jeff was running (as I wrote about yesterday). We were going to leave at noon on Friday and spend the afternoon introducing Jack to the swimming pool. However, no one seems to have created an app to sync my iPhone calendar with our home paper calendar, and thus we had a conflict.

My sister-in-law had given me tickets at Christmas to a concert Friday night. So Jeff and I decided we would go to the concert, come home, wake Jack up, and drive up to Lake Geneva late Friday night. We assumed Jack would just go back to sleep in the car. Instead, Jeff slept in the car and Jack talked to me while I drove.

It ended up working out though because the wake for my friend Heidi who died earlier in the week was Friday afternoon. Jeff had an appointment to get his car worked on, so I took Jack and met my mom and sister at the funeral home. We knew there would be quite a crowd so we got there almost when it began.

I’ve never seen anything quite like it… hundreds of people waiting in a line that weaved through the large funeral home, looking at pictures of Heidi with her family and friends as some of her favorite Fernando Ortega songs played. The vast crowd was surely a testimony to her life: friendly, caring, compassionate, joyful.

If it was any other concert, I would have skipped it. But it was Chris Tomlin. I have all of his albums and have never seen him in concert. He’s one of the best contemporary Christian song writers and worship leaders. So I rushed home after the wake and Jeff and I rushed to make it to the concert on time.

Going from a wake to a concert isn’t what I would have planned. But this wasn’t just a concert, it was truly focused on Jesus, worshipping him with thousands of people around. As the first song played, I knew I was right where I was supposed to be. Kari Jobe singing We Are – “Make the most of the time we have left, We are the light of the world… We gotta let the light shine”

Where Is God?

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“Sometimes the greatest gift we can receive isn’t just healing, but the power to endure.”

I just heard this on the radio as they talk with Craig DeMartino, a rock climber who fell 100 feet and is miraculously alive (Check out his book to read more of his story).

There’s been a lot of heartache lately both locally and in national news. A man who took his own life leaving a wife and son, the sudden passing of our friend Heidi, Rick Warren’s son who committed suicide, and now the horror in Boston.

Lives lost
Many injured
Grieving families
Survivors wondering why they’re alive

Amidst it all people wonder Where is God? And all of a sudden, trying to answer this question, I feel totally incapable. Here’s what God says:

The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before even one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16 (Read what I wrote about God’s timing in our lives)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? … No in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. Romans 8:35,37

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Well Done – For Heidi

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I was working on my Bible study homework and the card from Heidi’s funeral service was next to me. I read the poem on the card again and immediately started to think of words for a new song. I felt like God gave me the words and music for this song to remember Heidi, to picture her passing from earth to heaven and the joy she experiences there. It makes me long for heaven even more.

I wanted to share it with you so here’s a rough video of me singing and playing. The lyrics are below. I hope it’s a blessing to you.

Well Done – For Heidi Walsh
Standing on the beaches as the ship sails in the sea
Waving goodbye as long as she waves back at me
As she fades into the distance my heart is sad for me
Goodbye, my friend, goodbye

Across the sea stands another shore waiting to welcome her
She waves goodbye to me and turns to look forward
The One standing on the shoreline has His arms spread open wide
“Welcome home, My friend, welcome home!”

“Well done good and faithful servant!
Well done good and faithful friend!
You’ve been My hands and feet to a lost world
You have shined so bright for Me”

All the faces look familiar, they’re all instantly known
And the One who she has followed now welcomes her home
She sings “Holy Holy, I knew You were the One!
You have been my joy. You’ve been everything to me”

Bless the Lord O My Soul

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I’ve been singing this song since yesterday morning at Bible study. It was chosen before we knew about Heidi’s death but it fit the day so perfectly. Matt Redman wrote 10,000 Reasons as the chorus says Bless the Lord o my soul, worship His holy name, Sing like never before, o my soul, worship His holy name.

Why is it called 10,000 Reasons… because no matter the pain, the sickness, the heartache, the trials and challenges in our lives, still there are 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord and worship His holy name.

You can sing along by watching the video. I hope its not just words and music for you, but that your heart sings in worship to the Lord.

Why Are You Crying

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Heidi and I at Bible study - my first week back after being on bed rest for 4 months!

Heidi and I at Bible study last year – my first week back after being on bed rest for 4 months!

My husband has heard my quiet sniffles and seen the redness of my eyes enough to know when I’m crying. At times in my life it seems obvious why I’m crying, like in the days and weeks after we lost our first baby. Yet still Jeff would first say “Why are you crying?” Most of my responses would have sounded like a sarcastic comment like “Why do you think I’m crying! Duh!” But I was too busy crying.

Its a question Jesus asks also. But what I find more interesting is when Jesus cried. “Jesus wept” John 11:35 – the shortest verse in the Bible. Jesus cries because His friend Lazarus has died, except that Jesus has planned to raise him from the dead. So why would He cry?

I think Jesus cries to show us He understands our sadness and our sorrow. He has experienced it. Even though He knows better things are ahead, He enters into the grief of the moment with Mary and Martha, Lazarus’s sisters, and weeps with them.

“He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief… Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” Isaiah 53:3-4

Many of you who have read my blog lately are grieving our friend Heidi. We are sad for us – that we will miss her joy, wisdom, and friendship. We are sad for her husband and children – that they will grow up without her by their side. But we are not sad for Heidi – because she is where she always wanted to be: in heaven with her Savior.

The One who bore her griefs and sorrows and sins on the cross, the One who died and rose again, the One who conquered sin and death once and for all, the Lord Jesus Christ has called Heidi home to Him. While Jesus rejoices with Heidi in heaven, in His omniscience, He is also here with us. Bearing our griefs and sorrows, yet reminding us there are better days ahead.

A Joyful Life

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Yesterday morning I wrote about Psalm 139 and how all of our days are numbered, planned by God before even one comes to be. I often share those thoughts with friends who have lost babies, and so I thought I should write it down for others. Little did I know that a few hours later I would hear the news that it was the last day for my friend Heidi.

HeidiI knew Heidi from Bible study where she was a small group leader – my small group leader in the beginning. But her faith was contagious and she shared it with everyone, so her small group was becoming large. We split into two groups and my sister Cathy became my leader. Cathy and Heidi were good friends, which is mostly how I knew Heidi.

Heidi was a joyful, compassionate woman who lived her life loving the Lord. She was often at the front door of Bible study to greet people with a smile and a hug saying “I’m glad you’re here, friend!” And often tell me “I’ve been praying for you.” Although she said this to many people, it was genuine. I think she prayed for the whole town! Everyone counted her a friend. What a blessing her friendship was!

We call her death unexpected – and it was to us. She leaves behind a husband and four young children. But her death wasn’t unexpected to the Lord. I remember writing about Psalm 139 yesterday and how easy it was. Its easy to write something, but it takes faith to live it. Some might call Heidi’s death tragic, a life cut short. As unfair as it feels to us, its not tragic to Heidi. You can be sure that she is rejoicing with the Lord in heaven.

Heidi’s life impacted many people. I can’t even begin to imagine the number of people who will be in heaven some day, having accepted Jesus as their Savior because of Heidi’s testimony. We will all certainly miss her – her leadership, her example of faith, her compassion for others, and her joy for the Lord.

Heavenly Father, may You comfort us as we mourn and miss Heidi. May You surround her family with Your love and give them Your peace that passes all understanding. Thank You for being near to the brokenhearted. May You remind us every morning that today is a gift from You. May Your light shine through us to reach a dark world with Your unfailing love.

Never Early Never Late

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If  you have ever tried to meet up with me for lunch, you would know the title of this post doesn’t describe me. I am often late… at least now I can blame Jack, right?

In the early days of our marriage, Jeff would yell to me “We’re leaving in five minutes for church!” Which was approximately five minutes after I woke up. Thankfully I’ve had lots of practice getting ready in a short amount of time (basically because I’ve done this my whole life). Then I’d get downstairs, Jeff would be standing at the back door, and I’d proceed to fill a water bottle, and/or make a chai, and grab a granola bar. Jeff still doesn’t understand why I always have at least one beverage with me. What can I say? I like to stay hydrated. And, I’d like to point out, that he often steals a sip from my water bottle.

While “never early, never late” doesn’t describe me, although I’m getting better, it does describe God. A lesson I learned most tangibly after having Caleb.

“All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before even one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16

All of Caleb’s days – 19 weeks 3 days – were planned by God before Caleb was even conceived. It’s easy in our human nature to say Caleb was born too soon and died too soon. No matter how old our loved ones are, we would be likely to say they died too soon. Before our hearts were ready to say goodbye.

Knowing that Caleb’s days had been planned by God has always comforted me. There’s nothing I could have done to prolong his life. His premature birth wasn’t a surprise to God. It was His plan.

Your child, teenager, mother, grandpa didn’t die too soon. They had lived every day God has given them. Although we can question and wonder why God would allow children to die, we know that heaven is way better than earth. Our hearts may hurt and long for them, but they are experiencing more joy than we can imagine.

I wonder how many days God has planned for me. And for you. Every day really is a gift from Him. May you find peace, comfort, and joy knowing that the God who created you has planned your days and loves you more than you can imagine.

Caleb Chun - Feb 24, 2011

Caleb Chun – Feb 24, 2011

Leaning On God

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Over the last two years I’ve stood at Caleb’s grave, leaning against this tree many times. I’ve cried because I miss him. I’ve prayed because God promises comfort and peace. I’ve smiled remembering how cute his little face was and how small his feet were. I’ve read the Bible to find hope and strength.

One month after Caleb was born I stood at his grave and read the story where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. I told God I believe He could do it, so please Lord raise Caleb from the dead? Then I stood there wondering how it would happen, looking for the ground to shake and Caleb to crawl out. But Caleb wasn’t raised that day.

Today, Caleb’s second birthday, I drove out to his grave. Jack was fighting taking a nap this afternoon but he is powerless against napping in the car. So I put Jack in the car and drove out to Caleb’s grave. As I drove I asked God to speak to me. Give me something insightful, comforting, peace-giving today.

I saw a flower and note from Grammy and Granddad. I had nothing to lay at his grave since I left with Jack in a bit of a hurry, so I wrote “we love you” in the snow. As I stood there leaning against my tree, I prayed, cried, and read Scripture. The last verse of Psalm 33 is on Caleb’s headstone so I read the Psalm.

“For the word of The Lord is right and true. He is faithful in all He does.” (v4)

“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You.” (v20-22)

We wait in hope that one day we will see Caleb again in heaven. We rejoice in The Lord for giving us Caleb as our first precious boy. We trust The Lord. We look to Him as our help and shield to comfort us along this journey. As I wrote about yesterday, the sadness hasn’t really gone away. It comes and goes depending on the day. But there’s purpose in it.

Because of Caleb I have real faith. I’ve learned to depend on God to get me through each day. I’ve read the Bible not out of duty, but because it is life-giving. My worship is more true, understanding that God gives and takes away, but still I bless His name.

What God reminded me today is that He is all I need. I know God, but I’d really like to have Caleb here. I am all you need. Though I don’t always live it, I know it in my head. And for today, that’s enough.

Happy birthday Caleb! We love you always!

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