Tomorrow, February 24, marks one year since our son Caleb was born. Arriving early at just 19 weeks, Caleb was too little to survive. My life was turned upside down in a moment. It’s hard to believe it’s already been one year since that day. In some ways though it feels like a lifetime ago.
Those first few days, and weeks, were a whirlwind of emotions. I used to wonder if I would run out of tears to cry, or if a morning would come where my eyes would not be red and puffy. Rare were the nights I could fall right to sleep. Instead I would toss and turn, then grab my iPhone and read the Psalms or email my random emotional thoughts to a friend. I’d have a few breakdowns, such as grocery shopping at Jewel. All of a sudden the wide selection of bread felt overwhelming, and to top it off, they didn’t have my Jif Reduced Fat Peanut Butter…. but choosy moms choose Jif. At times like this I wondered why I didn’t wear my sunglasses into the store.
As the days and weeks passed my heart began to heal. I read a few books that helped put words to what I was feeling but unable to express (I Will Carry You by Angie Smith). I found comfort and peace in the Bible as God reassured me that trusting Him is never a mistake. I’ve had to learn a new “normal” of healing from the loss, grieving Caleb, but never forgetting him and the impact he made in my life.
In the Bible God commanded people to use stones to remember what He had done in their life. “Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder… to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:6-7)
Just as God parted the Red Sea, He also stopped the Jordan River so that the people could cross on dry land. The stones were put near the river to serve as a permanent reminder of what God had done for them. Every time they saw the stones, they remembered God’s promise to give the Israelites their own land. They remembered His miracles to save them. They taught their children about the God who loves them so much and who follows through on His promises. The God who can be trusted.
Caleb will always be a special part of my life. My first baby. Irreplaceable. Since I’m on bed rest I can’t be with all of you tomorrow to remember Caleb. But I would love if you would set aside a moment to remember him, but more importantly, remember God. The Lord has done great things in my life over the last year because of Caleb. If God has worked in your life too because of Caleb, please leave a comment or send me an email. I would really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll write again tomorrow to share my memories of what God has done this year.