Tomorrow, February 24, marks one year since our son Caleb was born. Arriving early at just 19 weeks, Caleb was too little to survive. My life was turned upside down in a moment. It’s hard to believe it’s already been one year since that day. In some ways though it feels like a lifetime ago.
Those first few days, and weeks, were a whirlwind of emotions. I used to wonder if I would run out of tears to cry, or if a morning would come where my eyes would not be red and puffy. Rare were the nights I could fall right to sleep. Instead I would toss and turn, then grab my iPhone and read the Psalms or email my random emotional thoughts to a friend. I’d have a few breakdowns, such as grocery shopping at Jewel. All of a sudden the wide selection of bread felt overwhelming, and to top it off, they didn’t have my Jif Reduced Fat Peanut Butter…. but choosy moms choose Jif. At times like this I wondered why I didn’t wear my sunglasses into the store.
As the days and weeks passed my heart began to heal. I read a few books that helped put words to what I was feeling but unable to express (I Will Carry You by Angie Smith). I found comfort and peace in the Bible as God reassured me that trusting Him is never a mistake. I’ve had to learn a new “normal” of healing from the loss, grieving Caleb, but never forgetting him and the impact he made in my life.
In the Bible God commanded people to use stones to remember what He had done in their life. “Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder… to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:6-7)
Just as God parted the Red Sea, He also stopped the Jordan River so that the people could cross on dry land. The stones were put near the river to serve as a permanent reminder of what God had done for them. Every time they saw the stones, they remembered God’s promise to give the Israelites their own land. They remembered His miracles to save them. They taught their children about the God who loves them so much and who follows through on His promises. The God who can be trusted.
Caleb will always be a special part of my life. My first baby. Irreplaceable. Since I’m on bed rest I can’t be with all of you tomorrow to remember Caleb. But I would love if you would set aside a moment to remember him, but more importantly, remember God. The Lord has done great things in my life over the last year because of Caleb. If God has worked in your life too because of Caleb, please leave a comment or send me an email. I would really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll write again tomorrow to share my memories of what God has done this year.
Thank you for standing by me in prayer and friendship over the last year. I wouldn’t have made it without you.
Debbie Chun 
I’ll be thinking of you in these days, Debbie. I’m so sorry you won’t be able to go to the cemetery. I know his spirit is not there, but sometimes there’s something cathartic about being where his body lay. I have always experienced the leading up the the anniversary as being harder than the anniversary itself. I will be praying God’s peace for your spirit and His loving arms to envelop you just as they hold Caleb now.
Dearest Debbie,
At times like this it’s hard to find the right words. As parents we wish we could absorb all the pain you and Jeff suffered with the loss of Caleb. But at the same time we know that if it came to a choice of not having known Caleb at all versus avoiding the pain you felt; you would choose to have had those precious few moments all over again. That is a cost of loving someone, and we all go away sooner or later. Because Caleb led the way, we are sure this new life within you will have a better chance than he had. So he is our little hero and in our hearts forever with love and gratitude.
Love, Dad and Mom Chun
I can’t believe a year has passed since that frantic night. We raced to the hospital to be by your side. Such a tiny baby had such a powerful effect on our family. I truly feel he has brought our whole family even closer to each other and to God. He was our own special miracle and we will always think about him. May the Lord comfort you on this anniversary and always. I hope our love and prayers can lift you up at this time.
I Will be thinking of your family and sweet Caleb tomorrow, Debbie. Lauren told me you were on bedrest the other day, I will be praying for you throughout your journey!
I am at your side, remembering him every day. One of his footprint cards has a permanent place on my nightstand, a reminder of who was lost, yes, and the strength and faith that my twin cousin gained.
One year ago…how time flies. It is hard to believe that it has been that long since that frightening experience. The Lord surely works in mysterious ways. It is amazing how someone so small can have such an enormous impact on so many. I may not have had the honor of meeting baby Caleb in person, but in my heart I have. He was so special and such an important part of the Lord’s plan for you and Jeff. He was a little miracle and one we will always remember and love. May you find comfort in knowing he is with his Maker and Father in heaven waiting for the day to be reunited with his Mommy and Daddy and brother. I wish I could be there to give you hugs and just be there if you need someone. Miss you and think of you EVERYDAY!!!!!!! Love you! Susan xoxo
I wanted to write a response the minute I read your blog last night just a few seconds after you had posted it, but couldn’t find the words. Today as we remember our precious Grandson Caleb I am reminded of the faithfulness of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I know Caleb is resting in the arms of Jesus. There is nothing harder than to experience the loss of our children’s children. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! It is through such experiences that we learn to rely more on the Lord to help us face each and every day of life he so graciously gives us. Now He has given us joy in the anticipation of Caleb’s brother and though we can never replace Caleb, we look forward to the happiness this precious child will give Debbie and Jeff as well as the rest of us! At this time (27weeks) I want to thank the Lord for protecting this new life and I would ask that the Lord continue to protect Debbie and the baby until the Lord decides the time is right to deliver this baby into the waiting arms of Debbie and Jeff.
Sweet Debbie and Jeff, I was indeed thinking of you, and it is amazing how much impact Caleb has had on everyone. Thank you for sharing your sorrows, your joys, and your faith. Love you both!
Laura
Pingback: When The Tears Stop | Adventures Of Trust