After having Caleb, when I would think about being pregnant again, what concerned me most was being scared and nervous all the time. I couldn’t imagine having the normal pregnancy joy because I thought I’d be so anxious wondering if the baby was ok. But from the moment I thought I was pregnant, I was filled with joy and excitement. I knew those feelings were really a gift from God.
Throughout the pregnancy the days I’ve been fearful and worried have been few. By God’s grace I’ve been able to rest in the confidence He’s given me that everything is going to be ok.
Tomorrow I will have completed 37 weeks. Even now, being in the 37th week, I’m considered full-term. What an amazing gift and testimony of the Lord’s power! But today I woke up scared. I don’t want to get this far and have something go wrong. “Bed rest” doesn’t mean much anymore. I’m allowed to do almost anything. So I have… the last two days I’ve been running errands and crossing things off my to-do list. Nothing major, but I’ve been up and about more than laying down. Therefore I also haven’t felt the baby move as much. When I’m still, he’s moving. When I’m moving, he’s still. You can read it in any baby book, but this change in our routine worried me.
This morning I just felt gripped by fear. I laid in bed counting his kicks and they were normal. He was kicking a lot – and still is – yet I couldn’t shake these feelings. For the last 37 weeks I’ve prayed that the baby would stay safely inside me and now I just want him out. I want to hold him safely in my arms and see him breathing and feel his heart beat. In the womb, I have to trust that he’s ok (and pray for him to kick as reassurance), but I’m ready to see him with my eyes and know he is ok.
I don’t want to be fearful. God doesn’t want me to be fearful. But when I am, it does cause me to turn to Him. There is no one else who holds my world in His hands. I’m thankful for 37 fearless weeks (minus a few fearful days) of a safe, healthy pregnancy.
My bible study small group is reading through Psalms this summer by reading one chapter everyday. We just started May 1, so feel free to read with us. I’ll probably blog about it. For now I’ll leave you with a few verses from the first five chapters which comforted me this morning:
You have given me relief when I was in distress. (Ps 4:1)
The LORD hears when I call to Him (4:3)
You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. (4:7)
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. (4:8)
But let all who take refuge in You rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread Your protection over them, that those who love Your name may exult in You. For You bless the righteous, O LORD; You cover him with favor as with a shield. (5:11-12)