A new year. A new Bible study started yesterday. A new beginning. New can be exciting because it means a fresh start. A chance to do what you’ve hoped, to stop postponing that dream and instead act on it. Begin.

“Behold I am doing a new thing” Isaiah 43:19

Yesterday was the first day of our new Women of Hope Bible study. As I was practicing the song I Will Follow by Chris Tomlin, I was struck by some of the words.

Where You go, I’ll go

I want to GO. I want to DO. I have an easier time “following” God when it involves movement.

Where You stay, I’ll stay

This is so much harder. I don’t always want to stay in the same place. I want a new thing. A new baby. A new ministry. A new role. A new couch. There is excitement in new, in going, and doing. But not always in staying. Or waiting.

I have a wonderful life that I am truly happy and content with (except maybe the couch which I’ve been wanting to replace for three years). But at the same time there’s a longing for new. Mainly a new baby.

After having a miscarriage a few weeks ago, I find myself struggling to put aside my planning and agenda, and trust God’s plan – whatever it may be. I’m having a hard time choosing to stay where God stays.

In my head I know God’s timing is perfect. I really do want to be where He is – whether going or staying. But my heart isn’t as convinced. I just want it all – Caleb, Jack, and my third baby . I know we find more joy and happiness in Jack because of the challenges we faced losing Caleb and being on bedrest for four months with Jack. God does bring beauty from ashes, turns mourning into dancing. A baby is never replaced. But the heartache hurts less when there’s more rejoicing to do. So for now I will choose to rejoice in the many blessings God has given me. And I will wait for whatever He brings next, whenever that is.