Author Archives: Debbie

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About Debbie

Jeff and I have been married for elevent years. We have had many adventures - Australia, New Zealand, Costa Rica, Thailand, and Tanzania, Africa where we climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. Our most recent adventure is children. This has been a journey of trusting God through challenging times and not letting go of hope. We have been pregnant four times: one premature birth and infant loss (read about Caleb's story), Jack which required 4 months of bedrest, one early miscarriage, and Parker which was another difficult pregnancy. I hope as you read this blog your faith will be strengthened and you will understand that no matter what is happening in our lives, God is good, faithful, and worthy of our trust.

Confession: I’m Not Nice When My Sleep Is Disrupted

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Jack DebI’m sure a few old roommates of mine are nodding their head. Yep, that’s true. 

It’s no secret that if sleeping were a super-power, I would be a super hero.

So when Jack – my precious, perfect, adorable son whom I love with all my heart and would do anything for (such as strict bedrest for four months) – when he wakes up in the middle of the night, I’m not so happy.

I recall times when my wonderful husband and I would take turns getting up with Jack. Then Jeff had a busy season at work and so I thought I’d be such a nice wife and handle Jack all on my own during the night. Eventually Jack started sleeping through the night again.

Just when my body adjusted to full nights of sleep, Jack started waking up again. He wasn’t sick or getting a tooth. He had no reason to be awake. And yet I hear “Mama mama mama mama mama” from the other room. Reluctantly, I pull myself out of the warm, cozy covers and hold a crying Jack.

After several nights of me consoling Jack back to sleep during the night, I was starting to feel like it was someone else’s turn. I nudged Jeff. Nothing. I elbowed him a few times in the back and said “I think it’s your turn.”

We proceeded to whisper-yell at each other. Are you familiar with this type of conversation? Jack was already crying, but with hopes of him going back to sleep without our intervention, Jeff and I whisper fought about who should get Jack.

He doesn’t want me. He’s saying “Mama.”

Do you remember the days he could only say “Dada” and I still got him??

Eventually Jeff agreed to get Jack. Jeff returned 30 seconds later. “He won’t even let me pick him up. He saw me and buried himself in the corner of the crib and is crying for you.”

So the next morning at Bible study my prayer request wasn’t just that Jack would start sleeping through the night again, but that my attitude would be better. That I would be kind to Jeff and that I would be patient and loving with Jack.

Things didn’t change right away, but I noticed subtle differences that helped. When Jack would cry, I would hold him and pray out loud. It seemed that when I was praying Jack would be quiet. So I didn’t stop praying until I thought he was asleep and then I laid him down. Now that’s what I do: I pray for Jack. I thank God for him and all the fun things we did during the day. I pray for his future, that he would love God with all his heart, mind, soul, and strength. I pray that Jack would continue to be a blessing to those around him.

Jeff and Jack reading books by flashlight.

Jeff and Jack reading books by flashlight.

Now when I crawl back into bed after consoling Jack, I’m not regretting the bad words I said or thought. Instead I’m grateful for that time to pray for him. I feel peace and confidence that I’m doing what God wants.

I still don’t like when my sleep is disrupted. But I trust that God will give me the rest that I need and that the awake times He gives me are purposeful.

The Little Things

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If a day comes when you think you are really a patient person, I have a challenge for you: try to find a parking spot in downtown Hinsdale at lunchtime on a weekday. I’m speaking from experience.

I’m not upset with downtown. After all, it’s because of Hinsdale that I know how to parallel park better than anyone who did not grow up in Hinsdale (imagine drivers ed class tests of parallel parking between a Mercedes and a BMW).

As I circled downtown many times, willing to park even blocks away, I started questioning my desire for Chinese food. I had already placed the order and only needed to run in and pick it up. I started looking for someone walking by that I could give $20 to get my order for me. After about 73 laps around town, I prayed out of desperation “Lord, puh-leeease give me a parking spot.”

Ta-da! A spot opened up RIGHT in front of the Chinese food store. Maybe I should’ve prayed 72 laps ago!

Does God care about parking spots? Not necessarily.

But God cares about ME. He cares so deeply about me that He provides for EVERYTHING I need. Did I need a parking spot? No. But I felt God showing me in that moment that He will always provide for me because He loves me. I am His daughter.

This is a lesson I need Jack to learn. You are my son and I love you. I will give you what you need.

And right now you do not need to watch The Cat In The Hat.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry. (Matthew 6:26-31)

Jack, I will provide for you.
Lord, I know You will provide for me. Help me not to worry. And thanks for the parking spot!

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Still Fits

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Six years ago I woke up in the morning and said to myself “I’m going to enjoy every moment of today.” This morning I woke up to Jack crying and I thought to myself “Where is Jeff and why isn’t he getting Jack?!” Oh how times have changed.

(For the record, Jeff was out running, not neglecting Jack).

We didn’t have any big celebration plans for our anniversary but we did go to dinner last night. I posted on Facebook “We honeymooned in Australia so Outback Steakhouse is as close as we can get.” Which spurred on some others to share what they’ve got in relation to their honeymoon:

Honeymoon in Miami = song by Will Smith (Welcome to Miami Buenvenidos a Miami)

Honeymoon in Costa Rica = street-ceviche and dysentery

I have funny friends!

So while I was getting dressed for our dinner last night, a great idea came to mind. My wedding dress has just been hanging in Jack’s closet for six years. I wonder if it still fits…

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Technically, Jeff zipped the dress and he said “if I had another hand I think I could get it.” But Jeff isn’t a dress-zipper expert. So clearly if someone else had been there, like my sister who agreed with my theory via text message, they would have gotten the zipper up completely. Therefore, my wedding dress still fits me.

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If certain people had been more in the mood for dress-up play time, I would’ve put Jack’s tuxedo on him. And then made Jeff take pictures with his real camera instead of my iPhone.

Six years. The dress still fits. And the husband still fits. He always will. God has really blessed me by giving me Jeff. I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather live life with. Thanks for a wonderful six years, Jeff! I look forward to many more adventures ahead.

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Vikings and Pac-Man

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IMG_3609Just an ordinary Saturday for us… Jack has been very attached to his sleepers lately and refusing to get dressed. But this morning he was fine … onesie undershirt, jeans… then he seemed to realize what was happening and the tears and kicks began. So I added the sleeper and he walked around like this for awhile. Maybe it’ll be a new trend amongst toddlers.

After breakfast and a few Cat in the Hats, Jack explored Daddy’s IMG_3612closet and prepared for battle. He did this all by himself. I am part Norwegian so I suppose Jack is just acting like his Viking ancestors. (Jeff was also a “Viking” because it was his middle school’s mascot. Go Vikings.)

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Jack has been sick this week and although he seems better every day, I figured we should probably just stay home and play around the house. Jack found this old Pac-Man game you hook to the tv, which was actually my roommate’s about nine years ago! So for the first time in nine years, we hooked it up and introduced Jack to Pac-Man. The entertainment only lasted a few minutes. Daddy would have been happy to keep playing but Jack pulled him away.

IMG_3617One of Jack’s favorite things to do is climb onto Daddy’s workbench and play with tools. I am usually not around for this, as I would probably be hesitant to approve such *dangerous* activities. But I held my tongue today and watched Jack have fun hammering nails, pulling wrenches off the wall, and listening to noises. He even grabbed some sand paper and started sanding a wood block. He only saw Jeff to do that once. What a smart tool-boy!

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Just another Saturday morning at the Chun house! We hope your weekend is off to a great start!

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

Not Alone

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photo 3Yesterday, on Caleb’s third birthday, I heard from many friends. A few texts and emails, many “likes” and comments on my facebook posts. Thank you. It was more than I expected. Waking up to a few emails from friends saying they were praying for me and remembering me was so comforting. I’m not alone.

Jack has been sick for a few days with congestion and a cough. His deep scratchy voice is both cute and sad. But it made for a strange day. I didn’t have any plans for Caleb’s birthday, but I didn’t picture sitting in the doctor’s office with Jack and watching more Cat in the Hat episodes than I can count.

As I thought of Caleb throughout the day, I found myself often with tears streaming down my face. At one point in the morning Jack came over, put his arms up for me to hold him, then he patted my back. He saw my sadness and he was comforting me.

photoAfter a too-short-nap-from-coughing and a few more Cat in the Hats, I decided we’d drive out to the cemetery to visit Caleb’s grave and maybe Jack would nap in the car. He didn’t. I devised a headrest iPad holder from headbands so Jack could watch a show on the drive (it didn’t cross my mind until we were on the road that the headbands might not be “safe”… so far so good). At the cemetery I told Jack I was going to leave him in the car for a minute (it’s a small cemetery, folks. I’d be about 15 steps away from the car). But Jack said no and wanted to come with me.

I’ve told Jack here and there about Caleb but I never know how much he really understands. So I took this moment to explain: Mommy had a baby before you but he died and he lives in heaven. Jack was nodding and responding “oh, yeah, baby.” Mommy is sad because I wish Caleb was here too. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a brother to play with? “No, no, no” while shaking his head. Haha! If you could see Jack saying “no” which sounds more like “mo”, you’d appreciate the cuteness. The boy is smart. He knows having an older brother means he wouldn’t have all of Mommy & Daddy’s attention.

photo 2Despite the messages from so many friends, there was a loneliness I felt today. I’ve talked about it before… a loneliness that reminds me someone is missing. A loneliness that reminds me that Jesus is the only One who can give me peace and comfort. No matter the circumstances we are each walking through, only in Jesus can we find what we need.

“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

Saying Goodbye

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20140224-164801.jpgI can’t count how many times I wanted to lay my sleeping bag next to Caleb’s grave and stay by his side. I know he’s not really there. I know he’s in heaven – no doubt in my mind. But since I can’t camp out in heaven, I guess this is the best I can do.

Caleb’s heart stopped beating just moments before he was born. He passed from the womb straight to heaven. I’m glad he didn’t have to suffer on this earth. Still we held Caleb and took pictures with him.

The day Jeff and I left the hospital and had to walk away from our little baby was one of the hardest days of my life. That switch from being pregnant to being a mom is immediate and automatic. I didn’t have to think about it. I just knew. Moms don’t leave their babies.

How do you say goodbye when you just said hello?

Caleb’s funeral was another difficult day. Laying him in the grave and then walking away… It just doesn’t feel right. It is so unnatural for a mother to leave her child. I guess that’s why I always picture myself camping out next to his grave.

So how do you say goodbye? I don’t think you do… I think you say hello to heaven. Hello to Jesus and please hold me close and mend my broken heart every day until I get to see my Caleb again.

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When The Tears Stop

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20120225-005645.jpgI never showed much emotion throughout my life. Probably only a few close friends ever saw me cry.

Then one day my world turned upside down.

Monday February 24 will mark three years since our first son Caleb was born. He was born prematurely, halfway through my pregnancy. Although I knew people who had lost infants or miscarried, I never expected to be in their shoes.

Nothing can prepare you for such heartbreak.

It was as if a switch flipped and the tears started flowing. It didn’t matter where I was or who was around me. I cried in the grocery store seeing a mom and her children. I cried at Bible study when I passed a kid’s bag that said “Caleb.” I cried when there was a reason and also when there seemed no reason at all.

This week, as I anticipate Caleb’s third birthday, I’ve been crying. But the days are so busy I end up not crying until I lay in bed, when I should be sleeping. And then I’m tired during the day because I didn’t sleep much at night.

It wasn’t until I finally told Jeff, and then my Bible study group about crying at night, that I was finally able to sleep. I’ve found peace when speaking about my feelings. Just breaking the silence has made a difference.

Caleb Chun - Feb 24, 2011

Caleb Chun – Feb 24, 2011

I’m not afraid of crying anymore. In fact I’m more afraid of the tears coming to an end. Sometimes it seems that if I stop crying then Caleb’s life will have stopped mattering. But I know that could never be. You never stop crying for your children. You never stop wanting the world to know about them.

The tears are less frequent after almost three years. But nothing could ever make Caleb’s little life insignificant. He changed my world, my faith, my life forever. And I am so thankful.

Hello You Have Reached…

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photo 1Does anyone even use a home phone anymore? We have one just in case one day we have a babysitter who doesn’t have a cell phone and needs to call 911 for an emergency… although I’m pretty sure even junior high kids have cell phones these days. Lately our home phone has been ringing a lot, even though we never answer it. The telemarketers haven’t figured that out. They have a tough job! People rarely answer the phone if they don’t recognize the number, and then if they do answer they aren’t happy to be speaking with someone trying to sell them something.

As I was doing dishes and letting the phone ring I wondered if I ever treat God like that… not answering when He calls, or answering but being upset. It seemed a strange thought. Surely I wouldn’t do that. I want to answer God and I’m happy to hear from Him.

photo 2Lately I’ve been wanting to wake up earlier (I use the word “wanting” very loosely) and spend time reading the Bible and praying. But every time my alarm goes off I hit snooze. Or Jack wakes up before my alarm goes off. Then I remembered a few days last week when Jack woke up early (around 5am) and I held him and convinced him it was still nighttime and he went back to sleep. As I was on my way back to bed, I remembered my desire to spend time with the Lord … I could just stay awake now and go read the Bible. Maybe God woke Jack up just to get me up. Maybe that was God calling … I didn’t answer. I went back to sleep.

How else has God been calling me? Maybe the ideas to bring cookies to the neighbor, dinner to a friend, email a friend to see how she’s doing. But I get distracted from these good intentions. God calls and I say “hold on.” The Creator of the universe, my Maker, my Redeemer calls me. Am I really listening? Are you listening?

In Genesis 22 God calls Abraham and Abraham answers “Here I am.” God gives Abraham instructions to sacrifice his son, the one God promised to Abraham whom Abraham had waited for many, many years. Abraham is obedient and brings his son Isaac up the mountain for the offering. Isaac asks where the animal is to sacrifice and Abraham says “God will provide.” Abraham takes the knife in his hand, ready to slay his son in obedience to God, but God calls him: Abraham. “Here I am,” says Abraham. God says to him, “Do not lay a hand on the boy. Now I know you fear God because you have not withheld from me your son.”

God called Abraham and Abraham answered – twice. If Abraham didn’t hear the second time, Isaac would have died. If Abraham didn’t hear and obey the first time, he would have missed the miracle. He would have missed the testing of his faith, which produces perseverance, character, and hope. Abraham trusted God and God did not fail Him.

May we have ears, minds, and hearts that listen for when God is calling us. May we respond “Here I am” – willing, available, ready. May we answer Him joyfully, with gratitude. May we grow in our faith, trusting that God will always provide.

It’s a Love Day

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I could write about the Valentine’s Day when Jeff got me a muffler for my car, or how our exciting plans tonight include possibly attending a high school indoor track meet (how romantic!) or how all of my pajama pants for at least 10 years had hearts on them because my mom always bought me some for V-day and I racked up quite a collection. But there’s a love greater than parent & child, husband & wife, me & vanilla chai.

For I am convinced that 
neither death nor life
neither angels nor demons
neither the present nor the future
nor any powers
neither height nor depth
nor anything else in all creation
will be able to separate us from the LOVE of GOD that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

Nothing can separate us from God’s love. Nothing. Not your death or the death of a loved one. Not the concerns of today or your worries about the future. Not your singleness or your marriage. Not your parenting. Not your sins, not your fears, not your desires, not your selfishness, not your faithlessness. Nothing. Nothing can separate you from God’s love for you through Jesus Christ.

God’s love is so strong for you that He sacrificed His Son, Jesus, to die on the cross and pay the penalty for all of our sins so that we can have a relationship with God. The only thing we need to do is accept such an incredible gift. “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9). Say it and believe it.

Thanksgiving JD

No matter what your relationship status, today and everyday you can celebrate the incredible, unfailing love of God for you. A love that never runs out. A love that gives better gifts than mufflers.

A Bunch of Good Stuff

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photo 4Friends, next time I invite you to something you better show up. Because you really missed out this time. This weekend we hosted a live simulcast of the IF: Gathering – a new conference for women with many phenomenal speakers, to challenge us If God is real, then what? I took several pages of notes – all of which could be blog posts – but I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to share with you first.

The founder of IF, Jennie Allen, shared that her biggest fear is that we would leave the conference and do a bunch of good stuff.  Good stuff doesn’t change the world or cause the world to see Jesus. What does? Repentance. Jesus often said “repent and believe.” The “good stuff” isn’t bad. But good stuff should be a natural consequence of our relationship with Jesus.

You don’t want to leave your comfort zone, you say? Wherever God takes you, you are with the Comforter – the Holy Spirit lives inside you – you’re always in the comfort zone.

The basis for IF: Gathering is Hebrews 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.”

What weights are holding you back? Are you looking around to see how you measure up to others? Do you compare yourself – am I as smart, pretty, or talented as her? As Ann Voskamp shared, let’s break our measuring sticks. Let’s stop holding the weight of comparison and opinions. Measuring sticks only become weapons of self-harm. They always lie.

Instead of comparing and measuring up, let’s carry each others’ burdens and prayers. Let’s stop trying to steal, earn, or buy acceptance and love from the wrong places and realize that Jesus is the only One who will – and has – loved us to death.

What is God speaking to you today? I like to make to-do lists and check things off. But I’m realizing more and more that if I fix my eyes first on Jesus, my to-do list will naturally flow from my relationship with Him.