Category Archives: Death of a Loved One

A Birthday in Heaven

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Today there’s a birthday party happening in heaven. Today is Caleb’s 4th birthday. It’s hard to believe he came into our lives four years ago. In some ways it feels like yesterday, and at others it feels like a lifetime ago.

We had a special dinner last night (since we ran out of weekend leftovers). I made the same meal that I made when I told Jeff I was pregnant with Caleb: baby back ribs, with sweet baby Rays bbq sauce, and baby carrots. Four years ago Jeff said, “That’s funny. They all have baby in them.” It took him a few minutes to figure out the news. Since then, ribs always remind me of Caleb. 

 As we start this special day, the only words I have are a prayer… 

Dear Lord,
Thank you for Caleb. Thank you for choosing to give him to us, to use him to make us parents. Thank you for knitting him together in my womb, for numbering each of his days before even one came to be. I know there’s nothing I or doctors could’ve done to change the outcome because Caleb’s days had already been loving planned by you. Thank you for the time we had to hold him, to take pictures, to see his little fingers and toes. Thank you for the family and friends who surrounded us, mourned with us, and helped us each day. 

 Lord thank you for giving me faith strong enough to endure trials, to walk through devastating sadness and know there will be rejoicing. Thank you for your Word that sustained me, for Psalms that gave words and prayers to all I was feeling but didn’t know how to express. Thank you for giving me peace that passes understanding and assurance that we will see Caleb again. 

 Lord today I celebrate the gift you gave us in Caleb. Loving someone so deeply even though he couldn’t love us back and even though he was only with us a short time. Lord I know it’s just a glimpse of how much you love us. Thank you for walking with me, holding me as I clung to you, and loving me so much I knew I could trust you. You always have good things planned for me. You are good and faithful and I trust you.

I pray these things in the mighty, powerful name of Jesus. Amen. 

 Happy birthday Caleb!



Joy and Sorrow

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On Christmas Day Jack was supposed to walk into our parents’ houses for gift opening and share a special announcement on his tshirt: Big Brother. But he never got the chance. A few days earlier I started having some problems. Doctor appointment, blood work, and several days of waiting, revealed that I was having a miscarriage. In the days of waiting, however, I waited in silence. Only Jeff and I knew that I was pregnant. I was still hoping that everything would be ok and that we could joyfully, happily announce this new baby.

Through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, while everyone around me celebrated the birth of a Baby King, I wondered if the baby, who was only 6 weeks in the womb, was still alive. The season of advent is all about anticipation of a Savior, when I was waiting for results and answers. Would Christmas Day, a day of great celebration, turn into a day of mourning for me? Does it have to be one or the other?

Because of the birth of a Baby in Bethlehem – Jesus, the One who saves, because He is Immanuel, God with us, I can have comfort even in sorrow. I can find joy even when mourning because the God who is with me is the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6).

Even though I was only 6 weeks pregnant, I had hopes and dreams for this new baby. I was excited for Jack to have a sibling, for us to have a new little baby to hold and love. Things could go on without anyone knowing about this 6 week old life that was inside me, but I think it’s important to share. Every life has value and should be celebrated. At least 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, but it’s often not talked about. Then if it happens to you, you might feel alone or ashamed, as if it’s your fault. But it’s not your fault. Usually there aren’t answers as to why miscarriages happen.

I share my story with you to celebrate the baby. I’ve thanked God for this baby and for the blessing of being pregnant three times – a blessing many women don’t get. It’s a strange thing to have more children in heaven than in my arms (read about Caleb here), but it makes me look forward to heaven even more.

No matter what challenging, sorrowful, or questioning time you are facing, it doesn’t have to be separated from hope, joy, and peace. The Baby in the manger came to save you, to be with you, to bring you peace even in chaos, joy even in sorrow, and hope even when you despair.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 1 Corinthians 1:3-4

Saying Goodbye

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20140224-164801.jpgI can’t count how many times I wanted to lay my sleeping bag next to Caleb’s grave and stay by his side. I know he’s not really there. I know he’s in heaven – no doubt in my mind. But since I can’t camp out in heaven, I guess this is the best I can do.

Caleb’s heart stopped beating just moments before he was born. He passed from the womb straight to heaven. I’m glad he didn’t have to suffer on this earth. Still we held Caleb and took pictures with him.

The day Jeff and I left the hospital and had to walk away from our little baby was one of the hardest days of my life. That switch from being pregnant to being a mom is immediate and automatic. I didn’t have to think about it. I just knew. Moms don’t leave their babies.

How do you say goodbye when you just said hello?

Caleb’s funeral was another difficult day. Laying him in the grave and then walking away… It just doesn’t feel right. It is so unnatural for a mother to leave her child. I guess that’s why I always picture myself camping out next to his grave.

So how do you say goodbye? I don’t think you do… I think you say hello to heaven. Hello to Jesus and please hold me close and mend my broken heart every day until I get to see my Caleb again.

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When The Tears Stop

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20120225-005645.jpgI never showed much emotion throughout my life. Probably only a few close friends ever saw me cry.

Then one day my world turned upside down.

Monday February 24 will mark three years since our first son Caleb was born. He was born prematurely, halfway through my pregnancy. Although I knew people who had lost infants or miscarried, I never expected to be in their shoes.

Nothing can prepare you for such heartbreak.

It was as if a switch flipped and the tears started flowing. It didn’t matter where I was or who was around me. I cried in the grocery store seeing a mom and her children. I cried at Bible study when I passed a kid’s bag that said “Caleb.” I cried when there was a reason and also when there seemed no reason at all.

This week, as I anticipate Caleb’s third birthday, I’ve been crying. But the days are so busy I end up not crying until I lay in bed, when I should be sleeping. And then I’m tired during the day because I didn’t sleep much at night.

It wasn’t until I finally told Jeff, and then my Bible study group about crying at night, that I was finally able to sleep. I’ve found peace when speaking about my feelings. Just breaking the silence has made a difference.

Caleb Chun - Feb 24, 2011

Caleb Chun – Feb 24, 2011

I’m not afraid of crying anymore. In fact I’m more afraid of the tears coming to an end. Sometimes it seems that if I stop crying then Caleb’s life will have stopped mattering. But I know that could never be. You never stop crying for your children. You never stop wanting the world to know about them.

The tears are less frequent after almost three years. But nothing could ever make Caleb’s little life insignificant. He changed my world, my faith, my life forever. And I am so thankful.

When Mother’s Day Isn’t Happy

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IMG_1761I was at the grocery store on Friday shopping with Jack and already the cashier was saying “Happy Mother’s Day.” While I appreciated their comments, I wondered if I should say it back to her. She didn’t have any children with her, obviously, so how could I know if she’s a mom.  Really the awkwardness of it just reminded me of how this special day can be challenging for so many. While it is great to set aside a day to celebrate the wonderful mothers in our lives, maybe you can take a minute to remember and pray for those who’s day is sad.

  • Children whose mothers have recently died
  • Mothers who have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant loss
  • Women who long to be mothers but struggle with infertility, or aren’t married, or don’t have the opportunity to become a mom
  • Women who are like mothers – physically, spiritually, emotionally mothering others

I read a letter online recently also bringing attention to churches about recognizing moms in church. Its a great letter so you should check it out.

Last year while I was pregnant with Jack I wrote about being a “Mom.” I know it resonated with a few friends so I thought instead of rewriting something really similar I would just repost it below.

May 11, 2012 – Mother’s Day for a “Mom”

IMG_1750Mothers Day is challenging for me. People see me pregnant now and say “Maybe this will be your first Mothers Day!” as if delivering the baby before then will ensure that I am a mom this Mothers Day. I don’t understand why we say life begins at conception and consider the thing inside me to be a baby, but don’t consider pregnant women mothers.

Furthermore, last year was my first Mothers Day. It was about two months after I gave birth to Caleb and proceeded to lay him in the grave. Just because my two children aren’t in my arms doesn’t mean I’m not a mom, or any less of a mom than someone else.

But what are you supposed to say to me: “Happy Mothers Day?” It’s kind of happy. I’m certainly excited about this new little one and getting to meet him face to face soon. I’m happy that I had Caleb, even though it was a short time. I’m happy to celebrate my wonderful mom and mother-in-law, my grandmother-in-law, my sisters who are moms, and a host of other great mom examples.

But for me Mothers Day is lonely. It’s a reminder that Caleb isn’t here. He can’t ever be replaced with another child. I imagine part of me will always feel like this on Mothers Day.Someone is missing. When people acknowledge me on Mothers Day, it’s a reminder of this. Yet when people don’t acknowledge me, it makes me feel like Caleb has been forgotten.

I feel like I’m a “mom,” always having to qualify my role… “Is this your first child?” Kind of…. When they ask all the moms to stand up at church, do I stand? What questions will I have to answer then? If I don’t stand, is it like I’m ignoring Caleb?

I don’t write this so that you’ll acknowledge me in some way on Mothers Day. It’s really not about me. It’s really about a Mom who doesn’t want her children to be overlooked. I’m sure there are other “moms” in your life: women who have struggled with infertility, women who have miscarried, women who never had the opportunity to give birth to their own children. Maybe you’ll just take a minute to think about what makes someone a Mom. As you celebrate this year, be sensitive to the “moms” whose children aren’t in their arms but are forever in their hearts.

For the Moms, the “moms,” and all others, may this Mother’s Day be a day of celebrating the wonderful mothers in your life, but more importantly celebrating the God who loves us and is our example of how to love others.

“Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving; let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7

Not What I Would Have Planned

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Last weekend we had plans to go to Lake Geneva for a race Jeff was running (as I wrote about yesterday). We were going to leave at noon on Friday and spend the afternoon introducing Jack to the swimming pool. However, no one seems to have created an app to sync my iPhone calendar with our home paper calendar, and thus we had a conflict.

My sister-in-law had given me tickets at Christmas to a concert Friday night. So Jeff and I decided we would go to the concert, come home, wake Jack up, and drive up to Lake Geneva late Friday night. We assumed Jack would just go back to sleep in the car. Instead, Jeff slept in the car and Jack talked to me while I drove.

It ended up working out though because the wake for my friend Heidi who died earlier in the week was Friday afternoon. Jeff had an appointment to get his car worked on, so I took Jack and met my mom and sister at the funeral home. We knew there would be quite a crowd so we got there almost when it began.

I’ve never seen anything quite like it… hundreds of people waiting in a line that weaved through the large funeral home, looking at pictures of Heidi with her family and friends as some of her favorite Fernando Ortega songs played. The vast crowd was surely a testimony to her life: friendly, caring, compassionate, joyful.

If it was any other concert, I would have skipped it. But it was Chris Tomlin. I have all of his albums and have never seen him in concert. He’s one of the best contemporary Christian song writers and worship leaders. So I rushed home after the wake and Jeff and I rushed to make it to the concert on time.

Going from a wake to a concert isn’t what I would have planned. But this wasn’t just a concert, it was truly focused on Jesus, worshipping him with thousands of people around. As the first song played, I knew I was right where I was supposed to be. Kari Jobe singing We Are – “Make the most of the time we have left, We are the light of the world… We gotta let the light shine”

Where Is God?

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“Sometimes the greatest gift we can receive isn’t just healing, but the power to endure.”

I just heard this on the radio as they talk with Craig DeMartino, a rock climber who fell 100 feet and is miraculously alive (Check out his book to read more of his story).

There’s been a lot of heartache lately both locally and in national news. A man who took his own life leaving a wife and son, the sudden passing of our friend Heidi, Rick Warren’s son who committed suicide, and now the horror in Boston.

Lives lost
Many injured
Grieving families
Survivors wondering why they’re alive

Amidst it all people wonder Where is God? And all of a sudden, trying to answer this question, I feel totally incapable. Here’s what God says:

The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8

All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before even one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16 (Read what I wrote about God’s timing in our lives)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? … No in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. Romans 8:35,37

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Well Done – For Heidi

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I was working on my Bible study homework and the card from Heidi’s funeral service was next to me. I read the poem on the card again and immediately started to think of words for a new song. I felt like God gave me the words and music for this song to remember Heidi, to picture her passing from earth to heaven and the joy she experiences there. It makes me long for heaven even more.

I wanted to share it with you so here’s a rough video of me singing and playing. The lyrics are below. I hope it’s a blessing to you.

Well Done – For Heidi Walsh
Standing on the beaches as the ship sails in the sea
Waving goodbye as long as she waves back at me
As she fades into the distance my heart is sad for me
Goodbye, my friend, goodbye

Across the sea stands another shore waiting to welcome her
She waves goodbye to me and turns to look forward
The One standing on the shoreline has His arms spread open wide
“Welcome home, My friend, welcome home!”

“Well done good and faithful servant!
Well done good and faithful friend!
You’ve been My hands and feet to a lost world
You have shined so bright for Me”

All the faces look familiar, they’re all instantly known
And the One who she has followed now welcomes her home
She sings “Holy Holy, I knew You were the One!
You have been my joy. You’ve been everything to me”

Bless the Lord O My Soul

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I’ve been singing this song since yesterday morning at Bible study. It was chosen before we knew about Heidi’s death but it fit the day so perfectly. Matt Redman wrote 10,000 Reasons as the chorus says Bless the Lord o my soul, worship His holy name, Sing like never before, o my soul, worship His holy name.

Why is it called 10,000 Reasons… because no matter the pain, the sickness, the heartache, the trials and challenges in our lives, still there are 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord and worship His holy name.

You can sing along by watching the video. I hope its not just words and music for you, but that your heart sings in worship to the Lord.