Category Archives: Family

Stories of our family

When The World Stops

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When Caleb first died, I remember posting on social media about our loss. Friends would comment their condolences and express how heartbroken they were with me. But then I would see their posts of birthday parties or kids sports games or whatever fun they were having. “How can my world feel like it has ended and theirs just keeps going?” I would think.

As time went on, I realized my world hadn’t ended. But there are still days when grief hits so hard that I want everything else to stop. I want to be able to sit in the sadness and remember Caleb. I want to cry without the pressure of only having a few minutes. I want my world to stop so I can remember.

I’m writing this from a junior high gym filled with students playing different band instruments, warming up for their solo ensembles. And I don’t have Kleenex in my pocket.

Today is Caleb’s 13th birthday, each of them celebrated in heaven. In those 13 years, I’ve had two more children. One warming up for his solo ensemble. The other getting ready for his basketball game. My world keeps spinning.

This has been a week where I wanted everything to stop so I could have time to be sad. But yesterday was my best friend’s 40th birthday. Then last night I emceed our school’s fundraising dinner which I helped plan. These are things I love, people I want to celebrate, events I enjoy. Yet my heart sits in conflict between the grief of losing Caleb and the joys of today.

In the months after Caleb first died, I could not compartmentalize my emotions. The check out lady at the grocery store would say “hi how are you?” And I would tell her the truth, “I’m not good. My son just died.” She was not expecting that. Jeff would tell me, “just say ‘fine.’ People don’t really want to know all that.” But with me, what you saw was what you got. My emotions were so raw that I felt like you could look at me and tell my heart was broken.

I’m better at compartmentalizing now. But I don’t necessarily think that’s a good thing. I cried Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Then I stopped. I stopped thinking about Caleb. I turned off my emotions. I let my world keep spinning so I could celebrate my best friend, so I could plan a fun event, so I could raise money for school, so I can be present at the band ensemble and basketball game. And I do enjoy it all.

I think Caleb would have enjoyed it too. He would have loved a golfing party with my friend. He’d support his brothers at their events and probably have his own too. We’d be planning a special dinner or party with his friends. I wish we had that.

I wish for a lot of things with Caleb. But I know he has the best in Heaven. Someday we’ll be together again. No tears, no pain, no heartache. No compartmentalizing emotions. Just joy.

Happy birthday Caleb! I’ll love you forever. 💙

The Love of Granny

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I know I’m not the only non-blood relative who called her Granny, but it still felt special to be included in her family. I met Jeff’s grandmother sometime during the early years of Jeff and I dating in college. Jeff’s grandfather, Papa Jack, died in 2002 and Granny made the move from Chicago out to the suburbs to be closer to her only daughter and her three grandchildren. She quickly immersed herself in retiree clubs, befriended her neighbors, and made herself at home in a new community.

Stephanie, Granny, Rob, Debbie, Jeff, Pat, Jennifer

Granny was from a small town in the mountains of West Virginia. Her and Papa moved to Chicago when Pat (Jeff’s mom) was a newborn in hopes of finding better jobs. (Papa became a truck mechanic and Jeff inherited his tools. You should see the size of some of these wrenches!) In 2010, Jeff and I said we wanted to see Granny’s hometown, so of course Granny, Pat, Jeff and I turned it into a vacation. Granny drove the entire time! We might not be blood related, but we have that in common. Sitting in the passenger seat instead of behind the wheel was hard for me! Haha! We visited with family and friends, drove through the mountains, saw the New River Gorge Bridge and had a great time together.

Debbie, Jeff & Granny at New River Gorge in West Virginia

When Jeff and I had children, we knew our oldest would be named Jack, after Papa. When Jack was two years old we gave him a power wheels Jeep for Christmas. The first thing he did wasn’t sit in the seat, or honk the horn, or play the radio. The first thing little Jack did was open the hood to look at the engine. His Papa Jack would have been proud.

Granny was most happiest around her great grandchildren. While she didn’t often smile for pictures, if there’s a great grandchild on her lap, she was beaming. Granny would often come over to babysit the kids. When they were little, she would sit on the floor and play with them. She even crawled through the little play tunnels to chase them. As they grew, she would play games and talk to them about school and sports. It didn’t matter what they were doing, she was always happy to be with them, and likewise they were so happy to be with their Granny.

Jack, Granny, Ryan and Parker

Food might have been Granny’s love language. Every July 4th we would eat fried chicken at her house and walk to the nearby park for fireworks. Every birthday she would make her famous “Granny cake” – a yellow cake with chocolate fudge frosting, a recipe that better be in the family still! At Christmas she would make pastas and appetizers. I was always a fan of her deviled eggs. Whenever we would visit, she would pull out snacks she had collected and saved for the kids.

Granny passed away on January 15, 2024, just a month shy of her 93rd birthday. Up until the last couple years, she lived a healthy, active life. She was kind, humble, and loving. She worked hard, she served her family, she cared for those around her. All of my grandparents had died by the time I was 16. But a few years later I met Granny and became one of her grandchildren. I am so thankful for having her in my life for more than 20 years, and immeasurably grateful my children were blessed to know the love of their great grandmother.

Now we hope to follow Granny’s example of loving those around us. We will always treasure the memories we have with our loving Granny.

Granny with her grandchildren and great grandchildren in Hawaii 2021

RV Road Trip: Part 2

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Ok Part 1 was very detailed about our trip excursions, but I promise I’ll answer more of your RV questions at some point.

Badlands National Park

Badlands National Park: After hours and hours of flat South Dakota, all of a sudden there is this amazing terrain. Deep cavernous rock, tall boulders. It really does feel like you are on a different planet. We parked at the Visitor Center, always with an eye out for “RV Parking,” and saw a park ranger in the parking lot with a huge skull in his truck. He told us it was a bison skull they found in the wilderness area and had to hike one mile back with it. It weighed around 100 pounds!

After some bathroom breaks and water refills, we grabbed a trail map and headed back to the main trails we wanted to hike. RV Bathroom Tip: we tried not to use it. We had to get gas every 4-5 hours anyway, so most of the time we used gas station bathrooms. We hoped to only dump the tank of the toilet once. So as much as possible we did not use the RV bathroom.

Notch Trail

At the Badlands we hiked the Door, Window and Notch trails, and a prairie dog town. The Notch trail was longer and required climbing up (and down!) this wooden ladder. The scenery was always amazing!

After hiking at the Badlands, we drove about an hour and parked at a truck stop near Mt. Rushmore. Sleeping at truck stops is hit or miss. Sometimes its calm and quiet. Other times it is loud and bright. This night was windy but we didn’t even realize that until the morning when we walked into the truck stop to use the bathroom and get breakfast, and the wind was blowing us sideways! I’m not going to lie, I was not excited about driving the RV through this wind, especially knowing we had some twisty mountain roads ahead. Thankfully we left early enough that the roads were pretty empty. Every time the wind blew me into another lane, no one else was around. Yes, the wind blew me into other lanes. I had such a tight grip on the steering wheel that my hands hurt when we arrived. I have never experienced wind like this before!

The wind was no joke.

Mt. Rushmore: The trails were closed at Mt. Rushmore because of recent snow and ice, but we were still able to walk past all the state flags on the paved path. We took the obligatory pictures, marveled at the stone carving, and headed to the gift shop. I asked the park ranger about driving routes to Custer State Park, our next destination. She informed me that the RV was too big for the route I intended to take, and also that part of the highway was closed down due to overturned semi-trucks who got blown over in the wind. Yikes! We found a route, made our purchases of National Parks patches and coins, and got on the road again.

Begging Burros

Custer State Park: Custer has a road that goes through and around the park called the Wildlife Loop. We drove half of that slowly, while checking out the bison, more prairie dogs, bighorn sheep, pronghorn antelope, and the famous begging burros who come up to your car windows looking for food. We fed the burros slices of an apple and then supplemented with crackers to keep them around longer. We tried to alternate days in the trip with hiking and rest. So after hiking at Badlands, today was more restful driving through Custer. The kids loved seeing all the wildlife. Even though we saw hundreds of bison, it was still exciting to see more bison.

My husband is the photographer. Nothing gets in the way of a shot. Apparently the photogenic bison were on my side of the RV.
The Mammoth Site – how many mammoth bones can you find?

We detoured off the Wildlife Loop to check out Wind Cave National Park, which had just opened up their cave tours again, however we didn’t make it in time for that. We did a short hike on top of Wind Cave and read signs explaining the history. After a short time there, we ventured on to The Mammoth Site. Basically mammoth bones were discovered and a structure was built around it so visitors could see the mammoth bones in place. It is an active dig site and people were digging while we visited. Some bones they leave in place and others they take away for more research. They have found bones representing more than 60 mammoths! It was really a unique and amazing site to see.

Are you keeping track of all we did in just a few days? So far we are only two days into the trip and we have been to Badlands NP, Mt. Rushmore NP, Custer State Park, Wind Cave NP, and The Mammoth Site. Next up: back to Custer to climb a mountain!

RV Road Trip: Part 1

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If we are friends on social media, you have problem seen pictures from our recent spring break vacation where we rented an RV and drove to South Dakota and Colorado to visit several National Parks. People keep asking questions and wanting to know more, so here’s a little update starting with what it was like to drive an RV.

First, driving an RV feels complicated… not so much the “driving” part but everything else you need to know about it. Our introduction to the RV by the owners took an hour. I still had questions but hoped Jeff was paying attention. Ours was 32 feet long and 11 feet tall, which meant we were too big to drive through some of the tunnels and mountainous roads near Mt Rushmore. Thankfully we knew this BEFORE we tried to drive there. Driving an RV takes focus and planning. It is a huge vehicle!

Let the driving begin!

Second, driving an RV is slow… slower than cars or trucks. We had read online, and the owners recommended, that we stay around 60-65 miles per hour. Not a problem for the first hour that I was getting used to driving. But once I realized that we were going to barely – if at all – make it to my niece’s wedding (Stop #1), I started to push the speed. Driving to Wisconsin for my niece’s wedding was a normal drive that I’ve done hundreds of times. It usually takes around three hours – in a car. However, we left about 5 hours early just to be sure we had plenty of time to change into my dress and the guys’ suits when we got there.

Lunch break: McDonalds in the RV

We successfully made our first stop at a gas station and then grabbed McDonalds for lunch. Eating while driving seemed challenging, so I ate quickly and then hopped back in the driver’s seat. As we were getting closer, and the time of the wedding was approaching, Jeff decided he’d put his suit on so he was ready to help the boys. Thankfully we made it in time, parking in the street near the church. Driving on highways is no big deal. Driving through towns is much more challenging. You have to remember to take turns extra wide, watch the rear to not hit curbs, give other cars extra space, and hope that there’s somewhat of a decent place to park when you arrive.

Walking from the far end of the parking lot at the wedding reception. RV Parking requires a hike.

After the wedding, we changed into comfortable clothes, put the boys to sleep in the bunk beds, and headed west. The plan was to drive until I was tired and then find a truck stop to sleep for a few hours. Jeff decided he’d try to sleep while I was driving so he would be able to sleep later. There was a bedroom in the back with a queen size bed, just past the boys’ bunk beds and the bathroom. In front of that was a small kitchen, table & benches where we ate meals, and opposite that was a couch. Of course above the “cab” (driver’s seat) was also a bed and tv which was a fun place to hang out.

I went to sleep in Minnesota and woke up in South Dakota. Perfect!
South Dakota is so flat you can see for miles! Definitely saw more cows that cars.

Those first few hours of driving were difficult. It was dark, raining, sleeting, snowing, and icy. I made it about 4 hours before finding a truck stop in Minnesota to park and sleep. We parked from 12:30am to 3:30am when Jeff got up and drove us into Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Sleeping while the RV was moving was challenging. It wasn’t quite the same as the movement that puts babies to sleep in cars. More like trying to sleep through an earthquake and feeling like you’re going to fall out of bed. In fact, after that first night, neither child wanted to sleep in the top bunk if the RV was moving. I woke up at 7:30 in South Dakota and took over the driving while Jeff slept. After hours and hours of flat South Dakota, we finally arrived at the Badlands National Park.

What were the boys – ages 8 and 5 – doing during this time? Mostly watching movies and playing games on their Kindle Fires. They are good travelers and didn’t mind all the hours driving. It was definitely more fun in an RV!

First Stop: my niece’s Wedding! By far this was the best we looked all week, and the cleanest! Haha!

More to come! Next up: exploring the Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, Wind Cave, The Mammoth Site, Custer State Park, climbing a mountain, and Garden of the Gods.

Memorable Weddings #2

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Since it is still our anniversary month, I’ll sneak in another memorable wedding post. If you missed my first one, go back and check out that story.

Jeff and I at the wedding

My cousin Erik was getting married in the summer of 2006. I drove from Wisconsin, picked up Jeff in the Chicago area (we were dating at the time) and we made our way to Ohio, where the bride was from, to join the rest of my family for the wedding. Erik and I are the same age and grew up together, and I became friends with his wife, so I had the honor of being a bridesmaid in the wedding. I think it was my third time being a bridesmaid in 2006 and each dress was a similar style but different color. Erik & Mandy’s summer wedding was a lovely yellow.

Family weddings out of town are always fun when you stay in the same hotel. My sister and I shared a room, while Jeff and my brother shared another room. Cousins, aunts and uncles, my parents, and my sister and her family were all there as well, so I’m sure we had late night talks in the hallways and laughed too loud for the people in the hotel not related to us. Sorry!

Jeff being a good boyfriend by holding my purse and saving some sodas for our drive home. I’m pretty sure my uncle told us to take them.

The rehearsal and rehearsal dinner went great. Everyone was having a wonderful time. Then the morning of the wedding came. The power in the hotel went out, which meant some people had trouble with their alarm clocks and were almost late to the wedding.

But the first issue I remember, is Erik knocking on my hotel room door asking if I have any CDs. Yes, this was way back when we had music on compact discs and not on our phones, or even easily accessible on the internet. The DJ and his wife had just divorced and the wife took all their music. Not only was this his first wedding since the divorce, but he didn’t have much music to play. Thankfully, since I had road tripped from Wisconsin, I had brought my entire CD collection. I wish I had a picture of this, but imagine the big black leather cases with pages of CDs inserted. I had 4 cases.

With the music issues mostly handled, I moved on through hair and makeup and I was ready and at the church. Now I have one thing I do in every wedding that I get to stand up in. I privately ask the bride and/or groom if they’re sure. I remember asking Erik, since he is my cousin, “Are you sure you want to marry Mandy?” He smiled and said he was positive. Then I asked Mandy. She looked at me like I was trying to break up the wedding. “Hey, I’m sure if you’re sure,” I told her. Mandy said she was positive she wanted to marry Erik. Great! Let’s get going.

Notice the seam popping open

The ceremony is a success and next we have pictures. I realize that my dress seems to have popped at the seam on the side. These bridesmaid dresses are always pretty but not the best quality. It wasn’t a hole all the way to my skin, but the seam popped enough that it was visible. I pulled the pin out of my flowers and used it to hold the dress together enough for pictures.

We had a few hours between the ceremony and reception so I changed out of the dress back at the hotel, and Jeff and I went on a search for a sewing kit. No one seemed to have any. Finally we found a dry cleaner. “Do you have a sewing kit we can buy? Or can you fix this dress really quickly?” The nice lady had nothing at her store to help us, but then remembered her personal sewing kit in her purse. She graciously gave it to us. Jeff sewed my dress back at the hotel (I have no sewing skills) and we were off to the reception.

The reception was fun. But the recently-divorced DJ drank too much, and let everyone make a speech. As he held the microphone out for me, I looked at my cousin thinking “Are you sure you want me to do this? I have a lot of embarrassing stories about you I could share.” He gave me the go-ahead-nod, so I did share one embarrassing story but that’ll have to wait for another blog post.

It was a wonderful, memorable wedding. Happy (almost) 15 years Erik & Mandy!

What Will You Do With Grief?

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My husband, Jeff, and I with baby Caleb. February 24, 2011

Tomorrow, February 24, 2021, will mark 10 years since our first baby was born and died. By the time we realized something was wrong with the pregnancy, I was already in labor but only about 20 weeks along. We had a few brief hours to prepare our hearts for the fact that our baby would not survive. Even if you had days, weeks, or months, nothing can truly prepare you for the loss of your child.

In the days that followed Caleb’s death, the question became what will I do with my grief? I had no choice in the life or death of my son. But I did have a choice with grief. Would I let it consume and overwhelm me, bringing me to a place of negativity, fear, and solitude? Or would I find a way to let grief motivate me to be more compassionate, to find the good despite the sadness, and to find joy in what I have been given?

Through God’s grace, I chose the latter. I’ve shared Caleb’s story countless times, writing about him here, talking about him at Bible studies, retreats, and fundraising dinners. I have sat with friends, or friends of friends, who have faced similar losses and we have grieved together. I found a ministry that I didn’t know existed or was needed until I was thrown into it. Just last week a friend texted, “Help! My friend just lost her baby. What do I do?” Although I hate that anyone has to go through the loss of a child, I am glad that I can help in some small way. For me, being able to help others is what continues to give Caleb’s short life meaning and purpose.

Parker (5) and Jack (8)

Now I have two boys, ages eight and five, who certainly keep me busy and entertained. I often post pictures of our adventures on social media. Sometimes people will comment that I’m a good mom. While I appreciate the compliment, I try to point out that I only post the good stuff 😉 But, if I’m being honest and a little less humble, I am a good mom. It isn’t so much about the fun vacations we take our kids on, or the gifts we buy them. I’m a good mom because I play with my children. I’m involved in their lives everyday. I have many friends who’s kids play mostly on their own, and that’s great! But for me, I know what it’s like to want to play with my son and not be able to. I know what its like when grief steals your dreams. That same grief motivates me to enjoy the life I have, the ability to play with my children, to make normal life feel like an adventure for them.

I have a few friends who have faced significant loss in their lives. The few I am thinking of each lost a sibling. Those friends are the ones that comment on Facebook, send cards of remembrance, and are the first to try to comfort others who are grieving. They know the pain of grief and it has motivated them to be compassionate to others.

Unfortunately, we will all face grief in our lifetimes in some manner. How will grief transform you? I definitely have moments and days (like today actually), where I just want to sleep and cry and not play with my children. But more often, I can choose to find joy despite the sadness, to share comfort with others who are grieving, and to enjoy the life God has given me.

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14

Getting Old and Staying Young

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A few weeks ago I celebrated my 38th birthday. Just saying 38 sounds old. It doesn’t seem like too long ago that I was waking up late and rushing to catch the bus to high school. Or waking up late and rushing to class in college. Now I wake up late and rush to get my kids to school. I’m sensing a pattern. Seriously though, I’m in that stage where people just say “30s” or the 15th anniversary of their 21st birthday. Why do we hide our age? What are we so ashamed of?

Most of the time I don’t “feel” 38. I walk around thinking I’m 20-something until I actually see a 20-something and they look so childlike. I’m reminded of my age when I look closely in the mirror and see wrinkles on my face, or a few gray hairs on my head (I blame Parker for that… they started to appear when he was born). I’m reminded of my age when my friends and I play co-ed indoor soccer against the recently graduated college soccer stars. Or maybe they haven’t even graduated yet. While admiring their impressive skills and high energy, our taunts turn to “It’s past your bedtime!” Or “Don’t you have to get back to the dorm and study for finals.” Or “Your mom just called and you missed curfew!” We may not have won the game, but we did make them laugh.

I’ve always felt like the young one. Maybe because I have two older siblings and I was often too young to stay up and play with them at night. I have a fall birthday, which during school years always made me one of the youngest in my class. My husband is the same age as me (he’s a few months older!). Most of my friends are within a couple years of me, give or take. So I’m not ashamed of my age. Or at least, I’m going to try never to hide my age.

Every day is a gift. We are reminded of this when we hear of someone who died young, or when we have a friend battling cancer while she parents her young children. Each day is a gift. Each day of my 38 years has been a gift. I haven’t always felt like that at the time. Certainly not every day has felt good. But every day is filled with the hope of blessings more amazing that I could imagine.

The next time your age comes up, I hope you will proudly declare the truth, gratefully acknowledging the blessing of each day.

“This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

When Your Childhood House Gets Torn Down

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Today my childhood home got destroyed. I say “childhood” but I spent many adult years there as well. My parents lived in this house for 43 years. When they sold the house six months ago, we knew today would come. My mom, one of my sisters and I stood there watching a front loader tear down our house room by room, and we cried. “It’s only a house,” we kept saying. But it was filled with so many memories.

When I was born, my parents added the entire second floor. I’m not sure what they were thinking doing such a huge construction project with a 10 year old, 5 year old, and newborn! I suppose because of me they needed more space. I slept through the construction. I napped right through the hammering and sawing and construction process. Which of course, has made me such a great sleeper. I can sleep through anything now – including my children calling out during the night, so my husband is probably less thankful about that!

My Dad helped with much of the construction, preparing drywall, building closets. Dad had a workshop in the basement and the garage. He fixed anything that was broken. He built a playhouse for me in the backyard that was still standing after 31 years. He also built the famous “Bope Wall of Fame” a giant bulletin board in the kitchen where Mom would put pictures. My friends always cheered when they made it onto the wall.

Friends and family were always welcome at our house. Mom frequently hosted holiday family parties. I remember my great uncle playing the piano, Nana and Granddad singing, Nintendo marathons with cousins. When family visited from out of town, they always stayed with us. We’d sneak into each other’s rooms at night to chat until Mom would come in with her trusty flashlight and threaten to separate us. For many years we had a party on Christmas Eve after church. One year my brother-in-law proposed to my sister in the family room. Of course my cousin Erik and I were young so we were spying on them until my dad told us to leave them alone.

Many boyfriends were interrogated in that living room. Some by my dad, but he had loosened up a bit by the time I started dating, which my sisters thought was very unfair. So they made sure to be at the house when I had a date. They can be pretty intimidating when they aren’t making each other laugh hysterically.

I lived in every bedroom, except the master. When a sibling would go to college, we all rotated rooms. In high school I painted my room an off-white color which I remember was made by Ralph Lauren, which seemed very fitting considering I wore a lot of polos in high school. When my brother took that room, he painted it poop brown (insert eye roll). After college, I lived in Wisconsin for three years and then moved back home while I was dating Jeff before we got married. I don’t even remember asking if I could move back home. My parents never cared about being empty nesters. They loved being surrounded by family and willingly opened their home. In fact they even agreed to let my best friend live with us senior year of high school while her family moved to California, but her parents didn’t go for it.

So many Christmas memories… our tree falling on my sister (she was ok) and henceforth had to be tied to the stair railing; sitting on the stairs with my sister on Christmas Eve spying on my parents as they put together a pool table for us; being brave with my cousin as we investigated the old closets in the basement and discovered my mom’s hiding spot for Christmas gifts! Waiting upstairs on Christmas morning until Dad has the giant video camera set up to record; sledding down the neighbor’s hill next to our house; building a ramp off the deck stairs to sled in the backyard.

There were basketball games on the driveway, soccer and badminton in the backyard. My brother and I were both brought home from the hospital to that house. All the grandchildren loved to play there, many had special sleepover trips to Grammy & Granddad’s. It was the hangout house for my friends, often because we had the best snacks. Parties on the deck which may have included a strobe light and boom box. Capture the flag games in the dark, wearing camouflage (as teenagers). Even as adults with our own houses, somehow we’d still find ourselves at the Bope house.

Our beloved house was torn down in less than an hour. It was a pile of wood and bricks and walls trampled under the tracks of a bulldozer. But nothing can tear down the love. The only special thing about that house was the Love that filled it.

My parents moved six months ago and their new house feels like home. Even though I haven’t lived there, I still feel at home. What makes it special: Love. Mom and Dad love people well. They share God’s love and they share what He has given them. A house is just a set of walls and rooms. But a home is Love.

Jesus is a Love Expert (Part 3)

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img_4182Read part 1 about Discovering your child’s love language and Part 2 about Discipline with love languages. Also check out the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.

Ultimately our example is Jesus. The Bible says “the Lord disciplines those He loves.” So how did Jesus discipline? Two stories stood out to me.

Jesus and the Woman at the Well (found in John 4:1-26, 39-42)

Jesus is passing through Samaria and stops at a well in the middle of the day. A woman happens to be getting water at the same time and Jesus starts a conversation with her. First, we should notice some things: women usually got water in the morning to avoid the heat of midday, so this woman probably wanted to avoid the townspeople. She is surprised Jesus is talking to her because not only did men and women not talk to each other much, but Jews and Samaritans didn’t talk to each other.

Jesus asks for water, she’s surprised He’s talking to her and He says you should ask me for living water.  So she does. Jesus says go call your husband. I don’t have one, she says. Jesus says that’s true you’ve had 5 plus the man you live with now is not your husband. Probably feeling convicted or guilty, she tries to change the focus of the conversation by acknowledging Jesus must be a prophet, and asking him a controversial question about where people should worship. Jesus says a time is coming when the place you worship doesn’t matter, because we will worship in spirit and in truth. Finally she asks about the Messiah and Jesus says I am He.

The woman leaves her bucket and immediately runs into the town to tell the people about Jesus. Many of them become believers. They hear Jesus teach and they tell the woman, “We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.”

What Love Language did Jesus use? Quality Time. He spent time with this woman – probably something she was craving. We know she had been bouncing from relationship to relationship with six men. She avoided the townspeople because they probably gossiped about her. Jesus spent time with her and the result was that she believed, she told the town, and many others believed in Jesus.

Jesus and the Woman Caught in Adultery (found in John 8:1-11)

Jesus is teaching in the temple court and a crowd of people are gathered around Him. The religious leaders & Pharisees interrupt and bring in a woman caught in the act of adultery and ask Jesus “In the law, Moses says to stone such women. What do you say?” They were trying to trick Jesus so they could accuse him.

Jesus seemingly ignores them, bends down and starts writing in the dirt with his finger. These men keep badgering him “what do we do? She was caught in the act!” Finally, Jesus stands up and says “whoever has not sinned can cast the first stone.”

We don’t know what Jesus was writing. We can pretty much assume if this woman was “caught in the act” then she’s not wearing much clothing if any. So when Jesus bends down to write in the sand, where does everyone look? Do they look at the woman? No they’re looking at what Jesus is writing. They want to know what his answer is.

Was Jesus making a list of sins in the dirt? This woman did something wrong, but so did the men who caught her. Probably so did the town. Maybe Jesus is writing “Gossip. Lust. Jealousy. Anger. Malice. Hate.” Slowly one by one the crowd walks away.

Jesus asks the woman, “has no one condemned you?” No. “Then neither do I. Go and leave your life of sin.”

Jesus showed some love languages here: Acts of Service by protecting the woman from this angry crowd, Gifts of mercy and grace, Words of Affirmation. He showed her she wasn’t alone in sinning.

Then Jesus gives her a command. He doesn’t make a request, Would you please leave your sinful life? No, He makes a command and tells her “Go and leave your life of sin.” But because He has shown such love to her, she is more likely to listen, isn’t she?

Jesus was perfect and lived a sinless life. He could have condemned that woman. But He chose to give her grace. We are not perfect. I hate to break it to you friends, but you are not perfect. We are all sinners in need of a Savior. And our children are sinners in need of a Savior. God has entrusted dither to us so we can discipline them – train them in the way they should go. May we demand less perfection and show more grace.

I’m a Love Expert

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Not really. Not at all. But I did recently speak about Love Languages at my moms group Bible study. We are reading The 5 Love Languages for Children (by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell) and I had the privilege of speaking on chapters 7 and 8 – discovering your child’s love language and discipline with love languages. These were weighty chapters with lots of great information. First, if you aren’t familiar with the 5 Love Languages, these charts might help.

You might be wondering WHY? Why do we need to know what our child’s primary love language is? Well, we all need love expressed in each of these ways, but each of us has a primary “language” of how we feel emotional love. These Love Languages provide great insight into how our children think and behave. 

When your child feels loved, when her emotional tank is full, she will be more responsive to parental guidance in all areas of her life. She will listen without resentment. (P. 109)

Learn all five love languages, practice all five, but specialize in the one primary language for each of your children. However, know that it can change, especially in adolescence. Use the Primary Love Language when your child is discouraged or feeling distant, so you can show them emotional love.

  • 5 ways to Discover:
    • Observe how your child expresses love to you;
    • Observe how your child expresses love to others;
    • Listen to what your child requests most often.
      • Examples: If your child is saying: look what I’m doing, come play outside, sit & read a book, then they are asking for Quality Time.
      • If your child is asking what do you think of the paper I wrote, do you like my outfit, how did I do in the game, they are asking for Words of Affirmation.
    • Notice what your child most frequently complains about;
    • Give your child a choice between two options. Examples pages 116-117.

The authors also suggest you conduct a 15 week experiment where you focus on each love language for a couple weeks. If you’re doing that, then you must really love your child. Who has that kind of time?! Just kidding. Some of you have already started your 15 week experiment and that is awesome! Report back to us in March about how that went (ha!).

Next, how to Discipline your child in relation to their love language. But you’ll have to come back tomorrow.