Mothers Day for a “Mom”

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Debbie

Mothers Day is challenging for me. People see me pregnant now and say “Maybe this will be your first Mothers Day!” as if delivering the baby before then will ensure that I am a mom this Mothers Day. I don’t understand why we say life begins at conception and consider the thing inside me to be a baby, but don’t consider pregnant women mothers.

Furthermore, last year was my first Mothers Day. It was about two months after I gave birth to Caleb and proceeded to lay him in the grave. Just because my two children aren’t in my arms doesn’t mean I’m not a mom, or any less of a mom than someone else.

But what are you supposed to say to me: “Happy Mothers Day?” It’s kind of happy. I’m certainly excited about this new little one and getting to meet him face to face soon. I’m happy that I had Caleb, even though it was a short time. I’m happy to celebrate my wonderful mom and mother-in-law, my grandmother-in-law, my sisters who are moms, and a host of other great mom examples.

But for me Mothers Day is lonely. It’s a reminder that Caleb isn’t here. He can’t ever be replaced with another child. I imagine part of me will always feel like this on Mothers Day. Someone is missing. When people acknowledge me on Mothers Day, it’s a reminder of this. Yet when people don’t acknowledge me, it makes me feel like Caleb has been forgotten.

I feel like I’m a “mom,” always having to qualify my role… “Is this your first child?” Kind of…. When they ask all the moms to stand up at church, do I stand? What questions will I have to answer then? If I don’t stand, is it like I’m ignoring Caleb?

I don’t write this so that you’ll acknowledge me in some way on Mothers Day. It’s really not about me. It’s really about a Mom who doesn’t want her children to be overlooked. I’m sure there are other “moms” in your life: women who have struggled with infertility, women who have miscarried, women who never had the opportunity to give birth to their own children. Maybe you’ll just take a minute to think about what makes someone a Mom. As you celebrate this year, be sensitive to the “moms” whose children aren’t in their arms but are forever in their hearts.

Awestruck

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Debbie

“When I look at Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You care for him?” Psalm 8:3-4

The first night on Mt Kilimanjaro amazed me. During the night I got out of the tent to go to the bathroom, put on my headlight and shoes, unzipped the tent door, and stepped outside. Awestruck. I stared into the sky, marveling at how many stars there were and how bright they were. I certainly didn’t need my headlight on. In fact the need to go to the bathroom almost left. I’ve been to a lot of places in the middle of nowhere and seen a lot of stars – Iowa cornfields, Wisconsin farms, Wyoming mountains. But all of those stars I’ve ever seen in my life -added together – didn’t come close to the number of stars I saw that first night on Kilimanjaro.

I’m amazed that the God who created the universe, put each of these stars in their place, and calls them all by name… He knows me. He thinks about me. He hears me when I call to Him. He loves me.

Yesterday I had the cerclage removed. I was a little nervous about how painful it might be. It was uncomfortable but not super painful. As I waited for the doctor, I read through the first few Psalms. Every time I read Psalm 8 I think specifically about Africa, the stars, the animals, God’s amazing creation, yet He knows even me and hears me when I call.

I am officially off of bed rest. No restrictions on my activities! As I slowly regain some strength, I’m running errands and organizing things around the house. We are excitedly awaiting the arrival of Baby Chun. We can’t wait to meet this little guy and introduce him to all of you who have been praying for us on this journey. Thank you for trusting with us that the Lord of all creation hears our prayers.

Fear and Faith

Posted on May 5, 2012 by Debbie

After having Caleb, when I would think about being pregnant again, what concerned me most was being scared and nervous all the time. I couldn’t imagine having the normal pregnancy joy because I thought I’d be so anxious wondering if the baby was ok. But from the moment I thought I was pregnant, I was filled with joy and excitement. I knew those feelings were really a gift from God.

Throughout the pregnancy the days I’ve been fearful and worried have been few. By God’s grace I’ve been able to rest in the confidence He’s given me that everything is going to be ok.

Tomorrow I will have completed 37 weeks. Even now, being in the 37th week, I’m considered full-term. What an amazing gift and testimony of the Lord’s power! But today I woke up scared. I don’t want to get this far and have something go wrong. “Bed rest” doesn’t mean much anymore. I’m allowed to do almost anything. So I have… the last two days I’ve been running errands and crossing things off my to-do list. Nothing major, but I’ve been up and about more than laying down. Therefore I also haven’t felt the baby move as much. When I’m still, he’s moving. When I’m moving, he’s still. You can read it in any baby book, but this change in our routine worried me.

This morning I just felt gripped by fear. I laid in bed counting his kicks and they were normal. He was kicking a lot – and still is – yet I couldn’t shake these feelings. For the last 37 weeks I’ve prayed that the baby would stay safely inside me and now I just want him out. I want to hold him safely in my arms and see him breathing and feel his heart beat. In the womb, I have to trust that he’s ok (and pray for him to kick as reassurance), but I’m ready to see him with my eyes and know he is ok.

I don’t want to be fearful. God doesn’t want me to be fearful. But when I am, it does cause me to turn to Him. There is no one else who holds my world in His hands. I’m thankful for 37 fearless weeks (minus a few fearful days) of a safe, healthy pregnancy.

My bible study small group is reading through Psalms this summer by reading one chapter everyday. We just started May 1, so feel free to read with us. I’ll probably blog about it. For now I’ll leave you with a few verses from the first five chapters which comforted me this morning:

You have given me relief when I was in distress. (Ps 4:1)
The LORD hears when I call to Him (4:3)
You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. (4:7)
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. (4:8)
But let all who take refuge in You rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread Your protection over them, that those who love Your name may exult in You. For You bless the righteous, O LORD; You cover him with favor as with a shield. (5:11-12)

Ready

Posted on April 29, 2012 by Debbie

First we bought a new washer and dryer. Then we got the baby furniture. Last night we bought the official Family Car. In many ways, Baby Boy, we are ready for you. As of today you have been with me for 36 weeks! Although the doctors never specifically said you’d come early, they seem very proud of themselves that you’ve been in the womb this long. Of course we know Who really gets the credit. Only one more week until the cerclage is removed and then you can come anytime.

As I said, in some ways I’m ready. Ready to put you in all the cute clothes we’ve received. Ready to use the jogging stroller. Ready to see how the carseat works in the new car. Ready to introduce you to all the people who have prayed for you.

But I’m not ready to watch you grow up too fast. It’s inevitable – every parent says it happens. I’m not ready for you to enter this world which is full of people who are mean and selfish. Where you could be best friends with a kid one day only to have them ignore you the next. I’m not ready for your heart to get broken by some girl, and therefore my heart be broken.

I wish I could protect you from the bad things, the heartbreaks, the loneliness. But I know it’s at these times in our lives – as children, teens, or adults – that we learn there is One who will never leave us. One who will love us completely. You don’t need me to protect you. As much as I love you, He loves you more. He formed you in my womb. He knows your name (even though Dad and I are still deciding). He knows the hairs on your head and the tears you will cry. He knows the good you’ll do and the wrong choices you’ll make, and He loves you anyway.

I won’t protect you from bad things, I can’t. But God will be with you every step of your life. He is the One you can always trust, always turn to. I will be right there next to you, helping you learn to rest in the One who has always held you in His arms.

You have searched me, Lord, and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise… You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You, Lord, know it completely… Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me…

For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well… all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. How amazing are Your thoughts concerning me, God. How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand… Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Verses from Psalm 139)

The Bed Rest Photo Album #3

Posted on April 27, 2012 by Debbie

Here are a few photos from April: a month that allowed more freedom to sit up for a few hours and to leave the house.

Lounging on our patio with my niece.

Reclining at my parents house. Looks like I had just finished reading the always entertaining Hinsdalean.

Surprise! I showed up at Faith Fellowship Church to see the family before they went home to Wisconsin.

This picture looks very posed but it was (is) how I spend most of my days. The iPad is much easier to carry and maneuver than a laptop.

After missing 13 weeks of Bible study, my doctor said I could go back. It was the last session of the year but still fun to see everyone.

The Chun girls. The baby furniture had just arrived so we were checking out the room.

Then there was Easter, but apparently not a picture of me being there… just pictures of the food… which is kind of making me hungry.

And finally, here’s my niece trying to hear or feel the baby. He finally cooperated and she felt a few kicks and turns.

I’ve been so blessed to have so many visitors and meals over the last three months! I wish I had a picture of everyone who was here. Instead here’s a quick thanks (in no particular order) to all who’ve stopped by: Kristin, Tara, Chris, Jen, Sally, Wendy, Jenni, Maggie, Lauren, Lana, Sara, Renee, Rob, Lindsey, Natalie, Kelly, Katie, Lauren, Connor, Kristi, Tyler, Jim, Lisa, Book Club, Ignite, Mom, Dad, Cathy, Lauren, Vince, Stacy, Matt, Beth, Brad, Blythe, Courtney, Spencer, Jeffrey, Mallory, Pat, Rob, Stephanie, Jennifer, Granny, Karin, Sue, Jim, Erik, Mandy, Aunt Lea, Barb, Ronnell, Anna, Jennifer, Doc, Liz, Robin, Kim, Michelle, Jen, Abby, Lily, Tom, Jackie, Sue, Heather, Andy, Wesley, Elliot, Lisa, Betty… possibly more. Again, I’m so thankful for each of you. You have made bed rest so much better for me! I’m thankful to have had this time to spend with each of you. Thanks for fitting me into your schedules 🙂

Don’t forget to check out Album #1 and Album #2.

Wheelchairs and Test Drives

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Debbie

34 weeks and 2 days. My freedom has been expanded bit by bit so I thought I’d share what I’ve been up to when I take a break from bed rest.

1. Shopping at Target
I called first to see if they had those motorized wheelchair carts, mostly used by the elderly. Upon hearing they did I gathered the few things I wanted to return and made my way to one of my favorite shopping destinations. The wheelchair carts are quite slow when motoring down the large aisles, but as soon as I turned into the clothing section I realized the turning radius was much wider than expected. I proceeded to ram two racks of clothes, pushing them out of my way, before entering the small aisles. Of course this was unintentional but there was no way around it. The wheelchair cart also beeps when you put it in reverse, in case you weren’t getting enough attention just by driving one. I resisted the urge to race an elderly man in his cart, checked out some baby things, stopped at Starbucks and was on my way home. I didn’t tell anyone I was going to Target because I anticipated getting a lecture. But as my family found out afterwards they wished they had pictures or could have witnessed me motoring around. Maybe next time.

2. Shopping at Babies R Us
They only have normal push wheelchair carts which requires a helper to push the cart. Thankfully Mom came with me. The small basket on the front of the wheel chair was quickly overflowing and blocking my view, but we accomplished much and had fun looking at baby things.

3. Test Driving Cars
I love my Mazda 3 but it’s a little too small for the car seat, which we anticipated. I’ve done a lot of research online for mid-size SUVs but decided it was time to sit in a few and see how they drove. Most car salesmen, I discovered, don’t understand “bed rest” and attempt to walk me around the lot. I did find a few good salesmen who pulled the cars up to the door for me. We haven’t made any decisions yet but I’m sure you’re wondering and/or would like to share your opinion. So far I’ve driven the Toyota Highlander, Mazda CX9, Honda Pilot, and Hyundai Veracruz. The Pilot is my favorite but I’m not sure it will fit in our narrow garage.

4. Church From The Couch
Last week my family from Wisconsin was in town so I decided to go out to see them at church on Sunday. After seeing them a few times during the week I was also pretty tired. I also can’t go up or down more stairs which makes attending Faith Fellowship tricky (the bathroom is 1st floor, sanctuary 2nd floor, parking in the middle…) I planned on arriving late because I knew I needed to sleep. I snuck in the back door (accessible without stairs or elevator) and laid on a couch in the room behind the sanctuary, listening to the sermon and singing along to the hymns. No one even knew I was there until I walked out after the service. I enjoyed church from the couch… wish I had discovered that sooner.

This week I plan on going to Bible study (doctor approved) and probably a drive-thru Starbucks or two. The doctors want me to slowly be more active so that my muscles come back a little and labor isn’t a complete shock to my system. So don’t worry, I’m being careful, I’m not doing too much, and I’m still resting a lot because these things make me more tired than you’d imagine. Now you’re up to date with my out-of-home adventures. Only three weeks left of bed rest! Going on these “adventures” makes bed rest much more manageable. We’re almost there! Now if only we could come up with a name for the baby…

Every Day Is A Gift

Posted on April 12, 2012 by Debbie

In normal life I do believe that every day we have on earth is a gift. The Bible says God has numbered our days before even one came to be, so He has already decided how long each of us will live. But we don’t know how long that is, so every day we wake up we should be thankful for the time He has given us.

In my situation – after losing one child because of premature birth, having complications with a second pregnancy requiring shots, a cerclage, bed rest, and a multitude of doctors – it’s easy to see how every day really is a gift. I’m 33 weeks and 4 days and each of those days is a miracle. I’m thankful for the medical advancements – the progesterone shots that prevent me from having contractions, the cerclage that keeps my cervix closed, and the careful watch of my doctors. But I know it’s because of God and God alone that this baby is still in the womb.

From the beginning of the pregnancy I felt this assurance that everything was going to be fine. Although I didn’t expect these “setbacks” of surgery and bed rest, I still clung to the hope that everything was going to be fine. The doctors hoped I would get to 28 weeks because most babies born at that gestation survive. Here I am almost 6 weeks past that and still going strong.

At 37 weeks the cerclage will be removed and the baby could come at any time. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if he came after his due date, further proof that God is the One who has kept the baby safely inside me. I love my doctors, but only God deserves the praise for each day the baby is in the womb.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Where Do You Run

Posted on March 31, 2012 by Debbie

When I first started training for Kilimanjaro, I thought Jeff and I would spend some quality time running together. Although I’m athletic, I’m not a runner, and Jeff had already been running regularly. A few times we’d run together and inevitably Jeff would get in front of me, then run backwards so he could see me, and shout “run through the pain!” which sounded about as encouraging as you’d expect from a Marines drill sergeant. Needless to say, for the sake of our marriage, I ran separately from Jeff.

In some ways, don’t tell him I said this, Jeff was right. I needed to run through the pain. I had knee problems and my lungs felt like they had collapsed, but I had to learn to keep pushing forward despite the pain. On Kilimanjaro if I had stopped when I was I pain, I wouldn’t have made it to the top. I wouldn’t have even completed day one. But when our picture was taken at the summit and we had completed the journey, I had a great sense of accomplishment. We reached our goal!

The last couple weeks I’ve had a lot of pain in my hips and my right shoulder. You wouldn’t think you could get injured on bed rest, but apparently it’s possible. Being pregnant though, my solutions are limited. I can’t just run to the doctor or to medicine. All I can take is Tylenol but I really need an anti-inflammatory medicine.

I’m not telling you these things so you think I’m tough, or so you’ll feel bad for me. I just wonder, where do you run when you have “pain”? If the pain is physical, or sickness, do you run to the doctor or the medicine cabinet? Do you run to friends complaining about your situation and seeking compassion? Do you run to alcohol or drugs to numb your brokenness?

Right now I’m glad I can’t run to medicine for relief. It forces me to run to the Great Physician, the only One who is able to heal me completely, or give me the strength to endure. As Paul says in the Bible: “Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

What I’ve Done on Bed Rest

Posted on March 23, 2012 by Debbie

A few people have asked lately what I’ve been reading while on bed rest, so I’ve compiled a list with some descriptions. If you’re looking for something to read or for some good sermons to listen to, check out my list. You can also click “What I’ve Done On Bed Rest” on the top of this blog. I’ll update it as I read more. If you have recommendations for me, let me know.

Eyes On The Prize

Posted on March 21, 2012 by Debbie

Eight and a half weeks of bed rest complete. Six and a half weeks remain. At the doctor last Thursday I received more good news: my cervix is totally closed again, I can sit up for four hours a day, and I can go to church every week! Just to know I have the option to sit up feels like a new freedom.

Sunday marked 30 weeks in this pregnancy, which means I only have about 10 more weeks until I’m holding the baby in my arms. I’ve been so focused on getting through each day that I’ve hardly thought about the end of this journey. It had seemed so far away, but now feels like its right around the corner. I think as the end of this race draws near it is even harder to be disciplined.

Over the weekend Jeff ran the Go Ruck Challenge. As a team, the 28 people who signed up loaded their backpacks with 40 pounds of bricks and water, and set off at 1am to do whatever their leader told them. Twelve hours and 20 miles later they completed their journey. Push ups, sit ups, carrying each other, in and out of Lake Michigan, up and down hills, crawling, crab walking, and more. They were exhausted and sore, but they finished the race and they did it together.

The journey of faith is hard to complete on your own. It’s so much better to have other believers surrounding you, encouraging you, facing challenges with you. I went to church Sunday for the first time in 9 weeks. I had tears in my eyes just walking in. Even though we didn’t see people we know, it was encouraging to know all the people around us are also walking in faith following Christ.

I think church is such a special place to come together with other believers and worship the Lord. We can lean on each other to finish the race.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2