Tomorrow, February 24, marks one year since our son Caleb was born. Arriving early at just 19 weeks, Caleb was too little to survive. My life was turned upside down in a moment. It’s hard to believe it’s already been one year since that day. In some ways though it feels like a lifetime ago.

Those first few days, and weeks, were a whirlwind of emotions. I used to wonder if I would run out of tears to cry, or if a morning would come where my eyes would not be red and puffy. Rare were the nights I could fall right to sleep. Instead I would toss and turn, then grab my iPhone and read the Psalms or email my random emotional thoughts to a friend. I’d have a few breakdowns, such as grocery shopping at Jewel. All of a sudden the wide selection of bread felt overwhelming, and to top it off, they didn’t have my Jif Reduced Fat Peanut Butter…. but choosy moms choose Jif. At times like this I wondered why I didn’t wear my sunglasses into the store.

As the days and weeks passed my heart began to heal. I read a few books that helped put words to what I was feeling but unable to express (I Will Carry You by Angie Smith). I found comfort and peace in the Bible as God reassured me that trusting Him is never a mistake. I’ve had to learn a new “normal” of healing from the loss, grieving Caleb, but never forgetting him and the impact he made in my life.

In the Bible God commanded people to use stones to remember what He had done in their life. “Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder… to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:6-7)

Just as God parted the Red Sea, He also stopped the Jordan River so that the people could cross on dry land. The stones were put near the river to serve as a permanent reminder of what God had done for them. Every time they saw the stones, they remembered God’s promise to give the Israelites their own land. They remembered His miracles to save them. They taught their children about the God who loves them so much and who follows through on His promises. The God who can be trusted.

Caleb will always be a special part of my life. My first baby. Irreplaceable. Since I’m on bed rest I can’t be with all of you tomorrow to remember Caleb. But I would love if you would set aside a moment to remember him, but more importantly, remember God. The Lord has done great things in my life over the last year because of Caleb. If God has worked in your life too because of Caleb, please leave a comment or send me an email. I would really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll write again tomorrow to share my memories of what God has done this year.

Thank you for standing by me in prayer and friendship over the last year. I wouldn’t have made it without you.

On Thursday, Feb. 24 at 1:48am I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Caleb. Jeff and I knew we were expecting, but thought we were around 10 weeks along. Earlier in the week I had a lot of bleeding and lost a lot of fluids. The doctor examined me, heard the baby’s heartbeat and was confident things were ok. However on Wednesday I began to go into labor. It was determined by ultrasound measurements that I was really 19 weeks along. Although the baby still had a heartbeat inside me, the possibility of survival in the womb or delivered was zero.

Caleb was born without a heartbeat, but we are thankful God took him without him having to suffer with underdeveloped lungs. We were able to hold him all night and take pictures. My parents and Jeff’s parents were there to share that time with us as well. Caleb means “whole hearted” and Caleb in the Bible was whole heartedly devoted to the Lord. He was determined to trust the Lord and His promises, even in the face of obstacles. We are so grateful for the time we had with Caleb and that God chose us to be his parents.

Here is a letter we wrote to Caleb that was read at his funeral service:

Dear Caleb,

Even though you were only with us a short time, you brought such joy to our lives. We were excited to share the news with our family and friends so they could rejoice with us as we waited for your arrival. We knew you were a precious gift from God.

Your time with us was shorter than we expected. But we know God’s timing is perfect. The hopes and dreams we had for you are nothing compared to God’s dreams for you. Even though we would have given you everything, the home you have with the Lord is better than a home with us.

The time we had with you in the hospital were the happiest and saddest moments of our lives. We are so grateful for the time to hold you, take your picture, and tell you we love you. We are thankful we heard your heartbeat, we saw you on the ultrasound, and we held you in our arms. We are thankful you didn’t suffer on this earth and that you are home with the Lord. We are thankful God chose us to be your Mommy and Daddy. We are thankful for God’s faithfulness, that He is trustworthy, and good.

We miss you Caleb, but we know Jesus is holding you now. We can’t hold you in our arms, but we will hold you in our hearts forever. One day Caleb, we will hold you again in heaven.

We love you forever,

Mommy & Daddy