Category Archives: Caleb’s Story

How losing a child has impacted me and what I’ve learned through the process. If you’ve lost a child, had pregnancy complications, or know someone who has, you might appreciate these writings.

Interruptions

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Everyone makes plans for their life. Graduate college, get a high paying job using your degree, marry the perfect guy, have 2.5 children and a dog, and live happily ever after. But your plans get interrupted. You get laid off from work, you thought you’d be married by now and there aren’t even any options on the horizon, the pregnancy test shows up negative again, your spouse leaves you, you have a major health problem, the list goes on. The unexpected interrupts our well-planned lives.

Last year I was very excited to be pregnant with Caleb. All was going according to my plan. Then in one day our lives were flipped upside down. Instead of being the happy new parents bringing home their first baby, we were planning his funeral and buying a cemetery plot. I had become part of the unofficial “moms who’ve lost babies” club – the club you don’t know exists until you’re in it.

“God must have a purpose in this,” I reasoned. In the meantime I knew there was a lot at work I could accomplish that I didn’t think I had time for. But two months later the company needed to reorganize, replacing staff with volunteers. I found myself at home with no baby to take care of and no job to throw myself into. Life interrupted again.

I’m very thankful that I have the luxury of being home and not needing to work, but I felt like I was going through an identity crisis. I began volunteering for Young Life doing simple office wok. I operate best when I have a routine, and I knew I would need a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Eventually we started trying to get pregnant again. We were more fortunate than many people, but the couple months it took felt like forever… and my 30th birthday was coming up. Couldn’t just one of my plans work out?

I can look back on these interruptions and see God’s hand in all of it. It’s good I don’t have a job so that I can really devote myself to bed rest. I miss Caleb with all my heart, but if he had survived, we wouldn’t have this baby, I think God really has great plans for this child. Because of Caleb my faith is stronger, I’m closer to my husband and family, I’ve made new friends who went through similar situations, I’ve seen friends, neighbors, and churches love and care for us in amazing ways. Right now there are hundreds of you praying for us, because of what we’ve been through. I’m amazed at how God has worked all things together for our good (Romans 8:28).

In every interruption, the Lord was there. These things may have surprised me, but they didn’t surprise Him. “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

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The Power of Music

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I’m not sure which is worse: not being able to leave my house or not being able to play my guitar. The iPad guitar app just isn’t the same.

Music has always been powerful in my life. God has given me songs to write, some even years ago that seem to really apply to my life now. Some songs I hear in church or on the radio that speak to me, giving me comfort, hope, and encouragement.

One song that has stood out over the last year is Desert Song by Hillsong. I first heard it about one year ago and instantly loved it. I recommended it to my sister for a women’s retreat in March that we were doing music for. The retreat happened to be about suffering and trials and Desert Song became the theme. Little did I know it would soon be my personal theme song.

I had Caleb on February 24, the weekend I was supposed to be in Wisconsin practicing for the retreat. After a few days passed and I was able to process life a little, I knew I was still supposed to play for the retreat just a few weeks later. I was encouraged by this video that tells a story of the song quite similar to mine.

In the desert, in the fire, in the battle – even when triumph hasn’t come yet, I will trust God.  I will bring praise, I will rejoice, and I will declare God is my victory and He is here!

Take 5 minutes and watch the video. If you haven’t already, some day you’ll have to walk through hard times. Choose your reaction now.

Three Days in the Wilderness

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I’ve survived three days of bed rest so far.  Most of my time I spend reading, or checking facebook.  Yesterday I was entertained by my four year old niece, sister, and mom.  Today my sister-in-law came over.  Everyone has been very helpful making my lunches, cleaning the house, finishing my organizing projects.  But it certainly is strange to be forced to lay in bed and direct others to do things that I could have done myself a few days ago.

I am so thankful to have family and friends who are willing to step in and help us. I don’t have enough words to express how appreciative we are and what a blessing it is.

I’ve been reading the book One in a Million by Priscilla Shirer.  It’s about the Israelites time in the wilderness before God took them to the promised land.  Only two people out of about two million believed God’s promises. They trusted God would do what He said and be faithful and good to them.  One of those was Caleb, and that’s why we named our first son Caleb.  So that we would be reminded to trust God’s promises and be whole-heartedly devoted to Him no matter what.

About the “wilderness” in each of our lives, Shirer says:

“You don’t have to figure out the wilderness. You don’t have to fix the wilderness. You don’t have to be able to explain to your church friends why you’re going through the wilderness. Your job as a much loved, highly treasured child of God is simply to yield to the wilderness because it’s often only in the wilderness where our runaway desires can finally be boiled down to this: ‘One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple.’ (Ps 27:4)

The wilderness is God’s way of making us want the only thing that’s really worth having. The wilderness, my friend, is worth it.”

You can be sure when you’re walking through the “wilderness” that you are not walking alone, and that you’ll come out of it better than you entered if you keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.

Anticipation

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Throughout this pregnancy my doctors have been cautious. Not knowing the reasons I went into labor prematurely and delivered at 19 weeks last February 24 with our first child, Caleb, the doctors have seen me every two weeks with this pregnancy. When I went to my normal appointment on Friday at 21 weeks, 5 days, the ultrasound showed my cervix had shortened and was weak. The good news is that I was not in labor and that they’d be able to put in a cerclage to try and save as much length to my cervix as they could.

The surgery went well and I came home from the hospital Saturday afternoon. Now however, I am on strict bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy. I can only leave the house for doctors appointments and I can only go up and down the stairs once a day.

Already I miss church, bible studies, the freedom to run errands, visits to Starbucks, playing my guitar, and I’m sure much more. But in a world where we really have no control over things, I’ve realized I do have control over my bed rest. So I’m going to do bed rest the best I can and trust God with the everything else. Over and over He has proven He is faithful, He hears my prayers, He has good plans for us. I know I can trust Him. When my mind is tempted to fear, doubt, and worry, I will remember “The Lord my God is with me, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in me, He will quiet me with His love, He will rejoice over me with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

A book I was reading yesterday encouraged me to keep hoping: “Anticipation – an excitement that no circumstance can dull, no setback can silence, no doubt can quench. You just know that God is actively working and is up to something miraculously special – right where you are.” (Priscilla Shirer)

Please join us in praying that this baby doesn’t come until 40 weeks, and together we will witness God actively working a special miracle.

Many of you have offered to help. You can sign up to bring us a meal at: http://www.mealtrain.com/?id=m9k4h3c1djqt. If you’re interested in cleaning, grocery shopping, or just visiting with me that would be great too! Thank you for your prayers and kindness to us at this time. We are so grateful for your friendship!

The Story of Caleb

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On Thursday, Feb. 24 at 1:48am I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Caleb. Jeff and I knew we were expecting, but thought we were around 10 weeks along. Earlier in the week I had a lot of bleeding and lost a lot of fluids. The doctor examined me, heard the baby’s heartbeat and was confident things were ok. However on Wednesday I began to go into labor. It was determined by ultrasound measurements that I was really 19 weeks along. Although the baby still had a heartbeat inside me, the possibility of survival in the womb or delivered was zero.

Caleb was born without a heartbeat, but we are thankful God took him without him having to suffer with underdeveloped lungs. We were able to hold him all night and take pictures. My parents and Jeff’s parents were there to share that time with us as well. Caleb means “whole hearted” and Caleb in the Bible was whole heartedly devoted to the Lord. He was determined to trust the Lord and His promises, even in the face of obstacles. We are so grateful for the time we had with Caleb and that God chose us to be his parents.

Here is a letter we wrote to Caleb that was read at his funeral service:

Dear Caleb,

Even though you were only with us a short time, you brought such joy to our lives. We were excited to share the news with our family and friends so they could rejoice with us as we waited for your arrival. We knew you were a precious gift from God.

Your time with us was shorter than we expected. But we know God’s timing is perfect. The hopes and dreams we had for you are nothing compared to God’s dreams for you. Even though we would have given you everything, the home you have with the Lord is better than a home with us.

The time we had with you in the hospital were the happiest and saddest moments of our lives. We are so grateful for the time to hold you, take your picture, and tell you we love you. We are thankful we heard your heartbeat, we saw you on the ultrasound, and we held you in our arms. We are thankful you didn’t suffer on this earth and that you are home with the Lord. We are thankful God chose us to be your Mommy and Daddy. We are thankful for God’s faithfulness, that He is trustworthy, and good.

We miss you Caleb, but we know Jesus is holding you now. We can’t hold you in our arms, but we will hold you in our hearts forever. One day Caleb, we will hold you again in heaven.

We love you forever,

Mommy & Daddy