Category Archives: Death of a Loved One

Shining in Darkness

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20130411-172241.jpg Have you ever been in complete darkness? I don’t mean spiritually or depression, I mean physically can’t see any light?

Amidst our world travels – Australia, Africa, Thailand – we’ve also been to Mammoth Cave Kentucky. The largest cave in the world. Far below the surface of the earth, Jeff and I crawled through tunnels and squeezed through tight spaces with only our headlights to light our way. While we were down there our guide had everyone turn their lights off just for a minute. Complete darkness.

It’s a little scary. I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face! But as soon as one light was turned on, I felt safe again. I could see everything around me.

Jesus says that we, as His followers, are the light of the world. He says “let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:16).

I’ve always wondered how to do that. Sometimes people compliment me for something I’ve done. But how do I get them to compliment God? How do I live in such a way so that I shine, giving glory to the Lord?

I think my friend Heidi was a great example of that. Today at Bible study our small groups combined to share stories and remember Heidi. Several people talked about how she was a light. Set apart. A special friend. Most of us knew while Heidi was living how special she was. But now that she’s in heaven we realize even more how great her impact on us. And we praise God for giving us such a light as an example.

“Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:9).

What have you learned – from Heidi or from other faithful leaders – that God is calling you to put into practice? How will you shine so that people see your good deeds and glorify God?

Lord may You show us the work You want to do in our lives to make us more like You. Help us to seek You with all our heart and mind. To hear Your voice comforting us and leading us. May You shine Your light through us to reach this dark world. In Jesus name we ask these things. Amen.

Why Are You Crying

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Heidi and I at Bible study - my first week back after being on bed rest for 4 months!

Heidi and I at Bible study last year – my first week back after being on bed rest for 4 months!

My husband has heard my quiet sniffles and seen the redness of my eyes enough to know when I’m crying. At times in my life it seems obvious why I’m crying, like in the days and weeks after we lost our first baby. Yet still Jeff would first say “Why are you crying?” Most of my responses would have sounded like a sarcastic comment like “Why do you think I’m crying! Duh!” But I was too busy crying.

Its a question Jesus asks also. But what I find more interesting is when Jesus cried. “Jesus wept” John 11:35 – the shortest verse in the Bible. Jesus cries because His friend Lazarus has died, except that Jesus has planned to raise him from the dead. So why would He cry?

I think Jesus cries to show us He understands our sadness and our sorrow. He has experienced it. Even though He knows better things are ahead, He enters into the grief of the moment with Mary and Martha, Lazarus’s sisters, and weeps with them.

“He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief… Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” Isaiah 53:3-4

Many of you who have read my blog lately are grieving our friend Heidi. We are sad for us – that we will miss her joy, wisdom, and friendship. We are sad for her husband and children – that they will grow up without her by their side. But we are not sad for Heidi – because she is where she always wanted to be: in heaven with her Savior.

The One who bore her griefs and sorrows and sins on the cross, the One who died and rose again, the One who conquered sin and death once and for all, the Lord Jesus Christ has called Heidi home to Him. While Jesus rejoices with Heidi in heaven, in His omniscience, He is also here with us. Bearing our griefs and sorrows, yet reminding us there are better days ahead.

A Joyful Life

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Yesterday morning I wrote about Psalm 139 and how all of our days are numbered, planned by God before even one comes to be. I often share those thoughts with friends who have lost babies, and so I thought I should write it down for others. Little did I know that a few hours later I would hear the news that it was the last day for my friend Heidi.

HeidiI knew Heidi from Bible study where she was a small group leader – my small group leader in the beginning. But her faith was contagious and she shared it with everyone, so her small group was becoming large. We split into two groups and my sister Cathy became my leader. Cathy and Heidi were good friends, which is mostly how I knew Heidi.

Heidi was a joyful, compassionate woman who lived her life loving the Lord. She was often at the front door of Bible study to greet people with a smile and a hug saying “I’m glad you’re here, friend!” And often tell me “I’ve been praying for you.” Although she said this to many people, it was genuine. I think she prayed for the whole town! Everyone counted her a friend. What a blessing her friendship was!

We call her death unexpected – and it was to us. She leaves behind a husband and four young children. But her death wasn’t unexpected to the Lord. I remember writing about Psalm 139 yesterday and how easy it was. Its easy to write something, but it takes faith to live it. Some might call Heidi’s death tragic, a life cut short. As unfair as it feels to us, its not tragic to Heidi. You can be sure that she is rejoicing with the Lord in heaven.

Heidi’s life impacted many people. I can’t even begin to imagine the number of people who will be in heaven some day, having accepted Jesus as their Savior because of Heidi’s testimony. We will all certainly miss her – her leadership, her example of faith, her compassion for others, and her joy for the Lord.

Heavenly Father, may You comfort us as we mourn and miss Heidi. May You surround her family with Your love and give them Your peace that passes all understanding. Thank You for being near to the brokenhearted. May You remind us every morning that today is a gift from You. May Your light shine through us to reach a dark world with Your unfailing love.

Never Early Never Late

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If  you have ever tried to meet up with me for lunch, you would know the title of this post doesn’t describe me. I am often late… at least now I can blame Jack, right?

In the early days of our marriage, Jeff would yell to me “We’re leaving in five minutes for church!” Which was approximately five minutes after I woke up. Thankfully I’ve had lots of practice getting ready in a short amount of time (basically because I’ve done this my whole life). Then I’d get downstairs, Jeff would be standing at the back door, and I’d proceed to fill a water bottle, and/or make a chai, and grab a granola bar. Jeff still doesn’t understand why I always have at least one beverage with me. What can I say? I like to stay hydrated. And, I’d like to point out, that he often steals a sip from my water bottle.

While “never early, never late” doesn’t describe me, although I’m getting better, it does describe God. A lesson I learned most tangibly after having Caleb.

“All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before even one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16

All of Caleb’s days – 19 weeks 3 days – were planned by God before Caleb was even conceived. It’s easy in our human nature to say Caleb was born too soon and died too soon. No matter how old our loved ones are, we would be likely to say they died too soon. Before our hearts were ready to say goodbye.

Knowing that Caleb’s days had been planned by God has always comforted me. There’s nothing I could have done to prolong his life. His premature birth wasn’t a surprise to God. It was His plan.

Your child, teenager, mother, grandpa didn’t die too soon. They had lived every day God has given them. Although we can question and wonder why God would allow children to die, we know that heaven is way better than earth. Our hearts may hurt and long for them, but they are experiencing more joy than we can imagine.

I wonder how many days God has planned for me. And for you. Every day really is a gift from Him. May you find peace, comfort, and joy knowing that the God who created you has planned your days and loves you more than you can imagine.

Caleb Chun - Feb 24, 2011

Caleb Chun – Feb 24, 2011

Leaning On God

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Over the last two years I’ve stood at Caleb’s grave, leaning against this tree many times. I’ve cried because I miss him. I’ve prayed because God promises comfort and peace. I’ve smiled remembering how cute his little face was and how small his feet were. I’ve read the Bible to find hope and strength.

One month after Caleb was born I stood at his grave and read the story where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. I told God I believe He could do it, so please Lord raise Caleb from the dead? Then I stood there wondering how it would happen, looking for the ground to shake and Caleb to crawl out. But Caleb wasn’t raised that day.

Today, Caleb’s second birthday, I drove out to his grave. Jack was fighting taking a nap this afternoon but he is powerless against napping in the car. So I put Jack in the car and drove out to Caleb’s grave. As I drove I asked God to speak to me. Give me something insightful, comforting, peace-giving today.

I saw a flower and note from Grammy and Granddad. I had nothing to lay at his grave since I left with Jack in a bit of a hurry, so I wrote “we love you” in the snow. As I stood there leaning against my tree, I prayed, cried, and read Scripture. The last verse of Psalm 33 is on Caleb’s headstone so I read the Psalm.

“For the word of The Lord is right and true. He is faithful in all He does.” (v4)

“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You.” (v20-22)

We wait in hope that one day we will see Caleb again in heaven. We rejoice in The Lord for giving us Caleb as our first precious boy. We trust The Lord. We look to Him as our help and shield to comfort us along this journey. As I wrote about yesterday, the sadness hasn’t really gone away. It comes and goes depending on the day. But there’s purpose in it.

Because of Caleb I have real faith. I’ve learned to depend on God to get me through each day. I’ve read the Bible not out of duty, but because it is life-giving. My worship is more true, understanding that God gives and takes away, but still I bless His name.

What God reminded me today is that He is all I need. I know God, but I’d really like to have Caleb here. I am all you need. Though I don’t always live it, I know it in my head. And for today, that’s enough.

Happy birthday Caleb! We love you always!

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Remembering Caleb

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Dear Caleb,

Happy birthday! It’s already been one year since I held you in my arms, measuring your tiny feet against my fingers. Though I only knew you a short time, you have changed my life. I have a faith that’s been tested and survived, deeper compassion for others, and a desire that everyone know about you and the work God has done because of your life.

Part of me would (selfishly) still trade all of it to have you here. We would be getting ready for your birthday party. What would be the theme – trucks, trains, teddy bears? I’d be comparing notes with your aunt since your cousin is only a few weeks younger. You would love seeing all your grandparents because they sure love you. I’d have a scrapbook documenting your first year – crawling, steps, words, smiling and laughing.

Instead you get to party with the angels and I have a scrapbook of cards from your funeral. That doesn’t seem fair, Caleb. I wish I was with you!

Part of me wouldn’t change a thing. I know you’re in heaven, a much better place than this earth. I know God doesn’t make mistakes, or take people “too soon.” Your life, Caleb, has given me a voice to share God’s love and faithfulness with others.

You will always have a special place in my heart. From time to time I’ll wonder what we would be doing if you were here. I’ll think of you as I stumble through an answer when people ask if the baby I’m carrying now is my first – a surprisingly difficult question to answer. I’ll tell your little brother all about you. We wouldn’t have him if we hadn’t lost you.

Most of all Caleb, thank you for bringing me closer to God. Thank you for showing me that the Lord is always trustworthy and faithful, and that He walks with me everyday. I love you Caleb and I’m so thankful God gave you to us.

Love,
Mommy

A Heap of Stones

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Tomorrow, February 24, marks one year since our son Caleb was born. Arriving early at just 19 weeks, Caleb was too little to survive. My life was turned upside down in a moment. It’s hard to believe it’s already been one year since that day. In some ways though it feels like a lifetime ago.

Those first few days, and weeks, were a whirlwind of emotions. I used to wonder if I would run out of tears to cry, or if a morning would come where my eyes would not be red and puffy. Rare were the nights I could fall right to sleep. Instead I would toss and turn, then grab my iPhone and read the Psalms or email my random emotional thoughts to a friend. I’d have a few breakdowns, such as grocery shopping at Jewel. All of a sudden the wide selection of bread felt overwhelming, and to top it off, they didn’t have my Jif Reduced Fat Peanut Butter…. but choosy moms choose Jif. At times like this I wondered why I didn’t wear my sunglasses into the store.

As the days and weeks passed my heart began to heal. I read a few books that helped put words to what I was feeling but unable to express (I Will Carry You by Angie Smith). I found comfort and peace in the Bible as God reassured me that trusting Him is never a mistake. I’ve had to learn a new “normal” of healing from the loss, grieving Caleb, but never forgetting him and the impact he made in my life.

In the Bible God commanded people to use stones to remember what He had done in their life. “Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder… to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:6-7)

Just as God parted the Red Sea, He also stopped the Jordan River so that the people could cross on dry land. The stones were put near the river to serve as a permanent reminder of what God had done for them. Every time they saw the stones, they remembered God’s promise to give the Israelites their own land. They remembered His miracles to save them. They taught their children about the God who loves them so much and who follows through on His promises. The God who can be trusted.

Caleb will always be a special part of my life. My first baby. Irreplaceable. Since I’m on bed rest I can’t be with all of you tomorrow to remember Caleb. But I would love if you would set aside a moment to remember him, but more importantly, remember God. The Lord has done great things in my life over the last year because of Caleb. If God has worked in your life too because of Caleb, please leave a comment or send me an email. I would really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll write again tomorrow to share my memories of what God has done this year.

Thank you for standing by me in prayer and friendship over the last year. I wouldn’t have made it without you.

A Life Well-Lived

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This past week a dear friend of our family passed away at 92 years old. Mr. Hudson was a state senator, had served our country in World War 2, and along with his wife, helped found our church, and were best friends with my grandparents. Since I’m on bed rest, I will not be at his funeral this weekend. I’m sad that I won’t be able to express my condolences to his family in person, but most of all I feel left out. I know even though tears will be shed, that it will be a celebration of a life well-lived.

In the fall my cousin and I were going through our grandparents’ pictures, letters, and other miscellaneous items that have been gathering dust since they died 15 years ago. Amongst the sentimental treasures we found a typed letter from Mr. Hudson to my Granddad. This glimpse into Mr. Hudson’s mind, and my Granddad’s life, reminds me of a few lessons I can learn from them.

Take every opportunity to appreciate others. “I was struck with a thought, not new to me, but especially compelling for some reason today … How fortunate I have been over the years to have had a friend such as you…” As Mr. Hudson explains in October of 1969, he wants to take this opportunity to express his appreciation of Granddad before “another political battle encourages neglect of so many things that should be done.” As he began another campaign for political office, Mr. Hudson seemed determined not to let his work interfere with the priorities of his life. Today we live in a world where work comes home with us on our phones, iPads, and laptops. Distractions can litter our life. It takes even more determination to keep your focus on the right things, and to take every moment to love those in your life.

Live what you believe without fear. “…a friend that I have been so proud of for your dedication to what is right and true… in a world which seems increasingly to place such a premium upon those things which are false and wrong.” Due to his health, Mr. Hudson had been home for the last several years. If he described 1969 as “false and wrong” I wonder how he would describe today. A colleague of his described how Mr. Hudson would recite Scripture in his speeches “at a time when invoking the Almighty was not so politically acceptable as it is today and when an official who did so actually meant what he said.” Today despite the pressure to live like everyone else, I will choose to live for Christ unashamed and without fear of what others will say.

Do all things without complaining. “And I am fully aware that your stands have been taken in most cases at considerable personal cost to you… but always with no whimpering and no complaining.” When was the last time you didn’t see a complaint as a facebook status? When was the last time your kids broke a dish or woke up too early and you didn’t complain? It’s against our nature to accept bad things – whether it be life-changing or just a daily interruption in our perfectly planned schedule. But God didn’t create us to complain, He created us to accept challenges and use them to depend on Him even more.

The Hudsons were married for 69 years! They have been like “extra grandparents” to me, especially since I was only 12 when my Granddad died and 16 when Nana died. I am so thankful for their example of faith, their kindness, and love.

Mr. Hudson, you have fought the good fight, you have finished the race, you have kept the faith. Now there is in store for you a crown of righteousness, which the Lord the righteous judge will award you (2 Timothy 4:7-8). Thank You Lord for Mr. Hudson and for his example of a life well-lived.

The Story of Caleb

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On Thursday, Feb. 24 at 1:48am I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Caleb. Jeff and I knew we were expecting, but thought we were around 10 weeks along. Earlier in the week I had a lot of bleeding and lost a lot of fluids. The doctor examined me, heard the baby’s heartbeat and was confident things were ok. However on Wednesday I began to go into labor. It was determined by ultrasound measurements that I was really 19 weeks along. Although the baby still had a heartbeat inside me, the possibility of survival in the womb or delivered was zero.

Caleb was born without a heartbeat, but we are thankful God took him without him having to suffer with underdeveloped lungs. We were able to hold him all night and take pictures. My parents and Jeff’s parents were there to share that time with us as well. Caleb means “whole hearted” and Caleb in the Bible was whole heartedly devoted to the Lord. He was determined to trust the Lord and His promises, even in the face of obstacles. We are so grateful for the time we had with Caleb and that God chose us to be his parents.

Here is a letter we wrote to Caleb that was read at his funeral service:

Dear Caleb,

Even though you were only with us a short time, you brought such joy to our lives. We were excited to share the news with our family and friends so they could rejoice with us as we waited for your arrival. We knew you were a precious gift from God.

Your time with us was shorter than we expected. But we know God’s timing is perfect. The hopes and dreams we had for you are nothing compared to God’s dreams for you. Even though we would have given you everything, the home you have with the Lord is better than a home with us.

The time we had with you in the hospital were the happiest and saddest moments of our lives. We are so grateful for the time to hold you, take your picture, and tell you we love you. We are thankful we heard your heartbeat, we saw you on the ultrasound, and we held you in our arms. We are thankful you didn’t suffer on this earth and that you are home with the Lord. We are thankful God chose us to be your Mommy and Daddy. We are thankful for God’s faithfulness, that He is trustworthy, and good.

We miss you Caleb, but we know Jesus is holding you now. We can’t hold you in our arms, but we will hold you in our hearts forever. One day Caleb, we will hold you again in heaven.

We love you forever,

Mommy & Daddy