Caleb’s Birthday

Posted on by
2

Today was a good day. I didn’t know what to expect on this first anniversary of having Caleb. I woke up this morning, not with a deep sadness, but with a confidence, an assurance, feeling at peace. I’m not sure how to explain it except that everything felt like it was exactly how it should be.

There have been many times in the last year that I have not felt that. Times I wished I could change everything. Times I couldn’t handle reality and wished there was a way to escape. But today felt like a milestone of healing.

Being pregnant now certainly makes it easier to handle Caleb’s birthday. But even if I wasn’t pregnant that wouldn’t change the truths I’ve learned. God has still taken my mourning and turned it into dancing, my sorrows He has turned to joy. He has taken my hopeful faith and turned it into confident assurance.

We heard from family and friends on the phone or by email. Thank you for thinking of us. Moms are famous for bragging about their children – the funny things the toddler says or the good grades the kids are getting. It’s no different with me and Caleb. I just want his life to have mattered and for people to remember him. Thank you for sharing with me the impact Caleb has made on your life. It makes it easier to keep walking this journey of trusting God and knowing He is faithful.

20120225-005645.jpg

A Hymn of Praise

Posted on by
2

20120224-151030.jpg If I could play my guitar, I’d want to sing a few verses of a few songs with you in praise and thanks to God for His blessings. So if you’ll allow me to “lead worship” via writing, here are the lyrics, but feel free to sing along. These first two we sang at Caleb’s funeral. Although I didn’t get many words out through my tears, I had hope that the words were true But today I sing them knowing their truth, and clinging to God.

Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise, And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

I’m so glad I learned to trust Him, Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that He is with me, Will be with me to the end.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust You!
How I’ve proved You o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust You more!

Great Is Thy Faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away, You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name

Desert Song
And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the desert, When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need, My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire, In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

I exalt Thee, I exalt Thee
I exalt Thee, oh Lord
I exalt Thee, I exalt Thee
I exalt Thee, oh Lord

This is my prayer in the harvest, When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again, The seed I’ve recieved I will sow

And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

“I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in Him.” Psalm 40:1-3

Thank You Lord for hearing our cries, for being faithful and near to us. Lord You are always worthy of our praise and we exalt You today over everything else in our lives. Over our fears and worries, over our families and friends, over the happiness and blessings in our lives, we exalt You, knowing You are greater than all else. You alone are worthy of all our praise. In Jesus’ name, Amen!

Remembering Caleb

Posted on by
2

20120224-121944.jpg
Dear Caleb,

Happy birthday! It’s already been one year since I held you in my arms, measuring your tiny feet against my fingers. Though I only knew you a short time, you have changed my life. I have a faith that’s been tested and survived, deeper compassion for others, and a desire that everyone know about you and the work God has done because of your life.

Part of me would (selfishly) still trade all of it to have you here. We would be getting ready for your birthday party. What would be the theme – trucks, trains, teddy bears? I’d be comparing notes with your aunt since your cousin is only a few weeks younger. You would love seeing all your grandparents because they sure love you. I’d have a scrapbook documenting your first year – crawling, steps, words, smiling and laughing.

Instead you get to party with the angels and I have a scrapbook of cards from your funeral. That doesn’t seem fair, Caleb. I wish I was with you!

Part of me wouldn’t change a thing. I know you’re in heaven, a much better place than this earth. I know God doesn’t make mistakes, or take people “too soon.” Your life, Caleb, has given me a voice to share God’s love and faithfulness with others.

You will always have a special place in my heart. From time to time I’ll wonder what we would be doing if you were here. I’ll think of you as I stumble through an answer when people ask if the baby I’m carrying now is my first – a surprisingly difficult question to answer. I’ll tell your little brother all about you. We wouldn’t have him if we hadn’t lost you.

Most of all Caleb, thank you for bringing me closer to God. Thank you for showing me that the Lord is always trustworthy and faithful, and that He walks with me everyday. I love you Caleb and I’m so thankful God gave you to us.

Love,
Mommy

A Heap of Stones

Posted on by
9

Tomorrow, February 24, marks one year since our son Caleb was born. Arriving early at just 19 weeks, Caleb was too little to survive. My life was turned upside down in a moment. It’s hard to believe it’s already been one year since that day. In some ways though it feels like a lifetime ago.

Those first few days, and weeks, were a whirlwind of emotions. I used to wonder if I would run out of tears to cry, or if a morning would come where my eyes would not be red and puffy. Rare were the nights I could fall right to sleep. Instead I would toss and turn, then grab my iPhone and read the Psalms or email my random emotional thoughts to a friend. I’d have a few breakdowns, such as grocery shopping at Jewel. All of a sudden the wide selection of bread felt overwhelming, and to top it off, they didn’t have my Jif Reduced Fat Peanut Butter…. but choosy moms choose Jif. At times like this I wondered why I didn’t wear my sunglasses into the store.

As the days and weeks passed my heart began to heal. I read a few books that helped put words to what I was feeling but unable to express (I Will Carry You by Angie Smith). I found comfort and peace in the Bible as God reassured me that trusting Him is never a mistake. I’ve had to learn a new “normal” of healing from the loss, grieving Caleb, but never forgetting him and the impact he made in my life.

In the Bible God commanded people to use stones to remember what He had done in their life. “Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder… to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:6-7)

Just as God parted the Red Sea, He also stopped the Jordan River so that the people could cross on dry land. The stones were put near the river to serve as a permanent reminder of what God had done for them. Every time they saw the stones, they remembered God’s promise to give the Israelites their own land. They remembered His miracles to save them. They taught their children about the God who loves them so much and who follows through on His promises. The God who can be trusted.

Caleb will always be a special part of my life. My first baby. Irreplaceable. Since I’m on bed rest I can’t be with all of you tomorrow to remember Caleb. But I would love if you would set aside a moment to remember him, but more importantly, remember God. The Lord has done great things in my life over the last year because of Caleb. If God has worked in your life too because of Caleb, please leave a comment or send me an email. I would really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll write again tomorrow to share my memories of what God has done this year.

Thank you for standing by me in prayer and friendship over the last year. I wouldn’t have made it without you.

Do You See Him?

Posted on by
Reply

Two men were walking to the next town and a third joined them. The third man was Jesus, but the two didn’t recognize Him. Without realizing it was Jesus, the two talked all about Jesus – the miracles He performed, the signs and wonders, and His death. They were sad because they thought Jesus was the promised Messiah, but they thought He was dead. Now it had been three days and His body was missing from the tomb.

They continued walking, not knowing Jesus their resurrected Messiah was next to them. They stopped for the evening and ate together. “And their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. And He vanished from their sight. They said to each other, ‘Did not our hearts burn within us while He talked to us on the road, while He opened to us the Scriptures?'” (Luke 24:31-32)

It’s easy to see this clearly looking back, isn’t it? In the moment, you’re upset, sad, emotional, and your eyes are blinded to seeing Jesus is with you. But when you come out of that trial, you can look back on your life and see how God was directing everything for your good.

Don’t wait for the end to come in order to see God’s faithfulness. Stop right now and take a moment to see how God is with you, caring for you, loving you, helping you get rid of sin in your life, helping you become a better person. Sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it requires difficult decisions. But in the end it is worth it. And in the meantime, know Jesus is near.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:17-18)

20120221-141439.jpg

Share The Power

Posted on by
6

I was watching a video Bible study by Beth Moore about the book of Esther this morning.  She told a story I thought you’d enjoy …

A family was going to Disney World. They had two boys and a girl all grade school age.  The girl was quite a princess, so of course they had to go to the Princess Party in Disney.  The daughter is all dressed up like a princess, complete with a tiara, as one Disney Princess after the next come out to meet her. Finally at the end of the event, Cinderella is revealed. The daughter says, “I feel sorry for her.”

Naturally her parents are confused. “But she’s the msot famous princess. Why do you feel sorry for her?”  The daughter says, “Because she had to marry that guy.”

That guy? You mean, Prince Charming?? The father thinks, What have I done? I’ve failed her as a dad and a husband. Dad turns to the daughter, “But don’t you want to get married someday?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” the daughter replied.  But her older brother says, “She doesn’t want to get married because she doesn’t want to share the power.”

How insightful children can be sometimes! I happen to be married to Prince Charming… well most of the time at least.  My husband is one of those guys who is good at everything he does, even if its the first time he’s ever done it.  I used to find that very annoying.  Really, I was jealous.

Eventually I realized I could join his team.  When you’re married two become one, so it’s kind of like I’m good at everything I do too.

In this season of bed rest (read: I can’t do anything helpful), my husband has taken up the slack and without complaining.  I’m usually the one complaining that I feel bad I can’t help him with dishes, laundry, meals. But he reminds me that my job is keeping the baby safe and he’ll do everything else.  And, it’s just a season.

Hopefully as we have put into practice this give-and-take, it will continue when the baby is born. If we’re going to share the power, we’re also sharing the responsibility. Marriage has made the joys twice as good, and the sorrows half as bad.  So to all the little princesses of the world, don’t be afraid to share the power.  Prince Charming is worth it.

A Life Well-Lived

Posted on by
2

This past week a dear friend of our family passed away at 92 years old. Mr. Hudson was a state senator, had served our country in World War 2, and along with his wife, helped found our church, and were best friends with my grandparents. Since I’m on bed rest, I will not be at his funeral this weekend. I’m sad that I won’t be able to express my condolences to his family in person, but most of all I feel left out. I know even though tears will be shed, that it will be a celebration of a life well-lived.

In the fall my cousin and I were going through our grandparents’ pictures, letters, and other miscellaneous items that have been gathering dust since they died 15 years ago. Amongst the sentimental treasures we found a typed letter from Mr. Hudson to my Granddad. This glimpse into Mr. Hudson’s mind, and my Granddad’s life, reminds me of a few lessons I can learn from them.

Take every opportunity to appreciate others. “I was struck with a thought, not new to me, but especially compelling for some reason today … How fortunate I have been over the years to have had a friend such as you…” As Mr. Hudson explains in October of 1969, he wants to take this opportunity to express his appreciation of Granddad before “another political battle encourages neglect of so many things that should be done.” As he began another campaign for political office, Mr. Hudson seemed determined not to let his work interfere with the priorities of his life. Today we live in a world where work comes home with us on our phones, iPads, and laptops. Distractions can litter our life. It takes even more determination to keep your focus on the right things, and to take every moment to love those in your life.

Live what you believe without fear. “…a friend that I have been so proud of for your dedication to what is right and true… in a world which seems increasingly to place such a premium upon those things which are false and wrong.” Due to his health, Mr. Hudson had been home for the last several years. If he described 1969 as “false and wrong” I wonder how he would describe today. A colleague of his described how Mr. Hudson would recite Scripture in his speeches “at a time when invoking the Almighty was not so politically acceptable as it is today and when an official who did so actually meant what he said.” Today despite the pressure to live like everyone else, I will choose to live for Christ unashamed and without fear of what others will say.

Do all things without complaining. “And I am fully aware that your stands have been taken in most cases at considerable personal cost to you… but always with no whimpering and no complaining.” When was the last time you didn’t see a complaint as a facebook status? When was the last time your kids broke a dish or woke up too early and you didn’t complain? It’s against our nature to accept bad things – whether it be life-changing or just a daily interruption in our perfectly planned schedule. But God didn’t create us to complain, He created us to accept challenges and use them to depend on Him even more.

The Hudsons were married for 69 years! They have been like “extra grandparents” to me, especially since I was only 12 when my Granddad died and 16 when Nana died. I am so thankful for their example of faith, their kindness, and love.

Mr. Hudson, you have fought the good fight, you have finished the race, you have kept the faith. Now there is in store for you a crown of righteousness, which the Lord the righteous judge will award you (2 Timothy 4:7-8). Thank You Lord for Mr. Hudson and for his example of a life well-lived.

This is the day

Posted on by
Reply

“This is they day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

Most of the time when we hear this verse it’s a happy, cheerful time. You say it with excitement as you think of the great things God has done. But what if it’s the worst day of your life?

On a day of tragedy, death of a loved one, diagnosis from a doctor that you weren’t expecting, natural disasters … the verse is still true. Do you rejoice in those days? The Lord still made them and we still have reason to be glad.

It’s not easy to rejoice and be glad on the worst day of our lives. But it’s a choice. Often when we choose to do something our feelings follow. Rejoicing may not make your worst day turn into a happy cheerful time, but it will bring you peace and a reassurance that no matter what is happening in your life God is still in control and worthy of our praise.

In May I started working on a song that would express this. A song that as you sing it would help you choose to praise even in challenging times. I haven’t completed verses but here’s the chorus:

This is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
This is the day You have made
I will rejoice, I will rejoice
For You’ve shown me love
You’ve shown me grace
You’ve guided me in Your ways
I will rejoice, this is Your day

20120213-221343.jpg

Kilimanjaro or Bed Rest (Part 2)

Posted on by
1

20120212-114258.jpg
I don’t think I answered the question of which one is harder: climbing Kilimanjaro or 15 weeks of bed rest. Last week I probably would have said Kilimanjaro. This week bed rest is getting to me a little.

I’ve found myself longing for strange things, like to go to Target. Who can live four months without going to Target?! My sisters gave me all their maternity clothes, most of which are really cute, but instead I’m wearing t-shirts and pajama pants. The one day each week I go to the doctor is my chance to dress nice, except when I come home I’ll be stuck downstairs the rest of the day so I still have to wear something comfortable. Oh the challenges…

Kilimanjaro required a lot of physical training to prepare, as well as a new level of mental toughness. Although I think disciplining my mind is certainly paying off now. What got me through the grueling 8 hour summit in the middle of the night in below zero temperatures was the thought that I’ll have a picture of me at the top and it will be my Facebook profile picture forever. Funny motivation.

One of the most challenging parts of Kilimanjaro for me was not having a lot of people to talk to. I love Jeff, and we had a great time, but I was longing for more people to build relationships with. In comparison, one of the best parts of bed rest are the relationships I’m building with people. I don’t think I could do this without so many friends and family spending time with me. It seems like I’m busier on bed rest than I was before! Having people scheduled to visit really gives me something to look forward to, a reason to put on real clothes, and makes the weeks go faster.

In conclusion, as of now having completed three weeks of bed rest, I think Kilimanjaro was harder. We’ll revisit this topic in a few more weeks and see if I’ve changed my mind. Also, my visitor schedule is open Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday this week so send me an email if you’d like one of those slots 🙂

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble…A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12)

Sometimes I Feel Like

Posted on by
Reply

Sometimes I feel like an Israelite.

Reading about the Israelites in Exodus makes me frustrated. It is so easy to see how time and again God does something miraculous for them but moments later they turn away from Him. He parts the Red Sea to bring about their deliverance from slavery, they worship Him, then they complain they don’t have food. God miraculously gives them food from heaven and they complain they don’t have meat. God gives them meat and they complain about something else. They even went so far as to build an idol to worship, as if they had forgotten all these amazing things God did as He rescued them from slavery.

It’s always easier to see someone else’s sin than our own. Too often I’m just like the Israelites. I praise God for what He’s done and two days later I’m overcome with doubt and fear.

Something got into me today and I was really struggling tonight (as you can tell by the fact I’m blogging at midnight). I had a contraction, which I haven’t had in days, and all of a sudden I’m extremely aware of every little feeling in my body. Finally laying in bed tonight I prayed, “Lord I just need to hear from You. I know my feelings can lie and my worries make it hard to see the truth. I just want to hear You tell me everything is ok.”

But instead of answering me directly, God reminded me of the miracles He has already done in this pregnancy, like last Friday at the doctor, and He reminded me of the Israelites. I don’t want to praise God and then forget what He’s done. I want to praise Him all the time, even when I’m struggling. I want to always remember the amazing work He’s done and live each day expecting His work to continue.

Lord I’m sorry for doubting and letting fear consume me. Thank You for being faithful even when I’m not. Thank You for reminding me that You who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion. Lord again I surrender this precious baby into Your loving, capable hands. I lay down my fear and worry and choose instead to trust You. Thank You for alway loving me and letting nothing separate me from Your love. In Jesus’ Name, amen.

20120209-002248.jpg