Tis So Sweet

Almost two years ago I stood in the church I grew up in. The church where I played Mary in the Christmas pageant. Where I taught Sunday school to children. Where I played guitar. But this day I stood in the front row with a small shoebox-size coffin in front of me. It was my son’s funeral.

Caleb passed from my womb to heaven. I held his body in my arms, but his soul was already with Jesus.

Now in the church we stand to sing the hymns I have chosen: Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus and Great Is Thy Faithfulness.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus / Just to take Him at His word. My heart sings but my lips are silent as my tears pour forth. Oh for grace to trust You more. Even as the words are sung I know this will be my anthem. My prayer.

Today, how things have changed… or have they? I stand, not in church, but in the baby’s room, holding my second son Jack, singing him to sleep. Jesus, Jesus how I trust You, how I’ve proved You o’er and o’er. My heart sings, my lips sing. Sometimes my eyes water as I remember. It’s not an easy journey to trust God. But it’s a journey of blessings with a faithful, loving God. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, oh for grace to trust You more.

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Praying In Faith

This is the true story I shared at Bended Knee Ministries’ Women’s Retreat

One day I had some special news to share with my husband, Jeff. I was trying to think of a creative way to tell him, so I made a special dinner. Jeff came home and I began to tell him the menu for dinner.

“Tonight we’re having BABY back ribs, with Sweet BABY Ray’s BBQ sauce, and BABY carrots.”

“Sounds good,” Jeff said.

“Umm… did you notice a theme,” I asked.

“Yeah they all have ‘baby’ in them… OH! Are you pregnant??”

As we ate dinner, the excitement of the new life inside me began to grow. We wondered if it was a boy or girl? Will it look like me or you? We were very excited and knew our families would be excited too.

Unfortunately the excitement turned to sadness. At 19 weeks pregnant, we had some complications and found ourselves in the hospital. I had gone into labor prematurely. I would have to deliver the baby that day. But he wouldn’t survive.

A few hours later, on February 24, 2011, I delivered a precious little baby boy who we named Caleb. In the Bible, Caleb was one of the men Moses sent in to spy on the promised land. Ten of the men came back saying the land is great, but there are giants who live there and we could never beat them. But Joshua and Caleb disagreed. Yes the land is great, it’s all that God promised, but the giants aren’t too much for us. God has given us the land. Let’s go and take possession of it. But the people were afraid and didn’t trust God to give them the land. Because of their disobedience, God said the entire generation would pass away and not see the promised land – except Joshua and Caleb.

Caleb was described as “whole-heartedly following the Lord.” Jeff and I chose to name the baby Caleb to remind ourselves to whole-heartedly follow the Lord. We knew there would be “giants” in front of us – fears that would be easy to succumb to. But instead of fearing or running from God, we needed to trust Him.

Instead of picking out baby furniture for the nursery, we were picking out cemetary plots and planning a funeral. As we mourned our son we mourned our dreams. Would we ever have a baby to watch grow? What would it even be like to be pregnant again? How would I be pregnant and not be afraid about something going wrong?

Over the next few months we felt God’s peace and strength as He was healing our broken hearts. About six months after Caleb died we found out I was pregnant again. Instead of the fear I anticipated, I truly felt joyful. I had new doctors. I would be seeing a specialist. I would have ultrasounds every two weeks and shots that were supposed to prevent premature labor. But on top of that, I really felt a confidence from God that everything was going to be fine.

And everything was going really well until a routine ultrasound appointment at 21 weeks showed that my cervix has shortened. A normal cervix in pregnancy is at least 2.5 centimeters. Every ultrasound I had, my cervix measured 3.5 centimeters, which is really good! But at that appointment, as soon as the image came on the screen, I knew something was wrong. Instead of 3.5cm, my cervix measured only 0.4cm. In order to prevent labor, I would need an emergency cerclage, which is a stitch to keep the cervix closed. I underwent the surgery that afternoon.

Even with the cerclage, the risk of going into labor prematurely was high. I would have to be on strict bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy which was 3 ½ months.

In the beginning when I had that confidence that everything was going to be fine, I thought everything was going to be fine. I wasn’t expecting emergency surgery, or that the life of the baby depended on my ability to stay laying down for three months. My confidence was a little shaken. So just like after Caleb died, I turned to the Bible. As I was reading I found this verse in Mark where Jesus is talking to the disciples about faith. Jesus is telling them if they have faith they can move mountains. In Mark 11:24 Jesus says, “Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

I thought ok… whatever I ask for, believe I have received it, and God will give it to me. So I prayed, “Lord please give me a full-term healthy baby. I believe you’re going to do it and I trust You.”

I had prayed for a full-term baby, I believed God was going to give him to me, so I needed to act on my belief. I would go to doctors appointments and they would tell me my goal was to get to 28 weeks. I said, no, we’re going full-term. We’d make it to 28 and they would say, now the goal is 30 or 32. And I would tell them, I’ve prayed for a full-term baby and I believe that is what God is going to give us. My goal is full-term.

Bed rest meant laying down. I was allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and i could drive myself to doctors appointments every week. After going to the doctors appointments I figured a quick stop through the Starbucks drive thru would be ok. I became very familiar with all my drive thru options on bed rest. But bed rest also meant not going to church and not going to bible study. I knew I needed to be intentional about having spiritual lessons in my life. I would watch sermons on video, do video bible studies. One Sunday morning a friend even came over in her sweat pants and laid in bed with me so we could watch church together. At times it was hard not having spiritual fellowship with others. So I started a blog to write about my faith and what was happening in the pregnancy.

Through the blog and email and facebook, I asked friends and family to pray with us for a full-term baby and believe that God will answer our prayers. There were hundreds of people praying with us. Many of you in this room were praying for us.

Acting in faith for my prayer wasn’t always easy. My sisters wanted to throw me a baby shower, which was very nice. I was hesitant as we started to make plans. I knew I would need to register for baby things, which I could do online while on bed rest, but I was nervous. What if I get all these baby clothes and toys and furniture, but end up not having a baby to bring home? I would catch myself thinking like this, and be reminded – I’ve prayed for a full-term baby, I believe God is going to answer my prayer, I need to live like there’s going to be a baby at the end of this pregnancy. I finally started to register for baby things and as soon as I did I felt more confident. The more I acted in faith on my prayer, the more my faith grew.

When you have a story like mine, you get connected with other people who have similar stories. A friend of a friend mentioned they know a girl in Idaho who was also on bed rest and the doctors thought the baby was going to be born prematurely. So I found her on facebook and wrote her a message. I didn’t know if she was a Christian or Buddist or Atheist or anything. But I wanted to share with her my verse. I wanted her to know that whatever she asks for in prayer, if she believes that she will receive it, then it will be hers. As I started to write it though I was scared again. What if God doesn’t answer her prayer? What if it doesn’t work for her? But I realized I don’t have to defend God. This is what He says in the Bible. If I believe it to be true for me, then it would be true for her or for anyone else who prays in faith. I shared the verse with her and she began praying for a full-term baby also.

Well the weeks of bed rest went on and I was receiving mostly positive reports from my doctors. My cervix had increased back to 3.5cm which was really good. One week, though, the measurement decreased to 2cm. This wasn’t surprising to my doctors. But it surprised me. It was easy to keep believing that a full-term baby was going to happen as long as everything was going well. But when I had not-so-positive reports at the doctor I was forced to re-examine my faith and trust in God. It also gave me great opportunities to share my faith with the doctors. When I went for my next appointment my cervix measured 3.5cm again! My doctor said she had no medical reason for how that happened. I told her God was teaching me to trust Him and choose faith instead of fear. I never was able to get into much detail about my faith with the doctors, but I would tell them every week that a lot of people were praying for us and God was responsible for how well things were going.

Babies are actually considered full-term at 37 weeks, so at 37 weeks the cerclage was removed. Some women go into labor immediately and some it takes a few days. I figured at this point my prayer had been answered – I had made it to the full-term mark, so the baby could come anytime. But it crossed my mind that the baby might come late – proof that it wasn’t the shots, or the cerclage, or the bed rest, or the doctors that kept the baby inside me. But that God was the One responsible!

At 40 weeks and 5 days, I was INDUCED! It is rare for anyone with an emergency cerclage to even make it to their due date let alone be induced. 4 weeks past the latest the doctors thought I’d make it. 4 weeks without a cerclage. 4 weeks not on bed rest, but sitting up and walking around! 4 weeks that showed God is in control!

On June 1, 2012 I gave birth to a beautiful little boy, Jackson Archer Chun. Jack was Full-term and healthy. All of our prayers had been answered. The doctors were amazed that I went full-term and that labor had to be induced. I told them, you’ve done a great job and I’m very thankful for all your medical expertise, but God gets all the glory for this one. He has heard our prayers and He has answered.

Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:24

Anxiety in Anticipation

Are you ever anxious or worried about an upcoming day, but the day ends up being fine? My friends who have lost children have agreed that usually anticipating the holidays or anniversaries is worse than the actual day itself. Mothers Day was like that for me.

The season of Mothers Day is challenging, as I wrote about last. I don’t even like picking out cards because inevitably I’ll start crying thinking of what could’ve been with Caleb. I’m not a stranger to crying in public… It’s still kind of normal for me even though it doesn’t happen often.

I went to Jewel on Saturday before Mothers Day. I hadn’t been grocery shopping in months, but I only needed to pick up a few things. However I forgot what a bad decision it is to go to the grocery store before holidays. I’m used to people moving out of my way since I’m pregnant, but people at Jewel could have cared less if they were in my way. One nice lady who works at Jewel said “happy Mothers Day” to me and another woman. I was on the phone and barely acknowledged her, mainly because I thought I’d start crying again. So to the woman at Jewel, thank you. Your simple words meant a lot.

At church they asked all the moms to stand but I didn’t stand. We had just been standing to sing, then sat down, and then they asked moms to stand… it was more movement than I was interested in. But I felt like I was not standing intentionally, in support of all the “moms” whose children aren’t by their side. On the way out they handed roses to some women. I didn’t try to get one, but another woman saw me and handed me her rose. “You need this more than I do,” she said. “Happy Mothers Day,” she added. I don’t know if she saw the tears in my eyes. I didn’t say much to her, though I wonder if she had a story. She looked like she was in her 40s and walked out of church with her husband, but no kids. I think I mumbled “thank you” but I wish I had taken a moment to tell her how much that meant to be recognized as a mom.

On Mothers Day, we had lunch with my family, then dinner with Jeff’s family, and then Jeff and I watched the season finale of Survivor. It was a good day. I don’t know why anticipating the day is always worse than the day itself. Maybe it’s good to have time beforehand to think, appreciate what I have, understand the stories of others.

“This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.” Psalm 118:23

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Mothers Day for a “Mom”

Mothers Day is challenging for me. People see me pregnant now and say “Maybe this will be your first Mothers Day!” as if delivering the baby before then will ensure that I am a mom this Mothers Day. I don’t understand why we say life begins at conception and consider the thing inside me to be a baby, but don’t consider pregnant women mothers.

Furthermore, last year was my first Mothers Day. It was about two months after I gave birth to Caleb and proceeded to lay him in the grave. Just because my two children aren’t in my arms doesn’t mean I’m not a mom, or any less of a mom than someone else.

But what are you supposed to say to me: “Happy Mothers Day?” It’s kind of happy. I’m certainly excited about this new little one and getting to meet him face to face soon. I’m happy that I had Caleb, even though it was a short time. I’m happy to celebrate my wonderful mom and mother-in-law, my grandmother-in-law, my sisters who are moms, and a host of other great mom examples.

But for me Mothers Day is lonely. It’s a reminder that Caleb isn’t here. He can’t ever be replaced with another child. I imagine part of me will always feel like this on Mothers Day. Someone is missing. When people acknowledge me on Mothers Day, it’s a reminder of this. Yet when people don’t acknowledge me, it makes me feel like Caleb has been forgotten.

I feel like I’m a “mom,” always having to qualify my role… “Is this your first child?” Kind of…. When they ask all the moms to stand up at church, do I stand? What questions will I have to answer then? If I don’t stand, is it like I’m ignoring Caleb?

I don’t write this so that you’ll acknowledge me in some way on Mothers Day. It’s really not about me. It’s really about a Mom who doesn’t want her children to be overlooked. I’m sure there are other “moms” in your life: women who have struggled with infertility, women who have miscarried, women who never had the opportunity to give birth to their own children. Maybe you’ll just take a minute to think about what makes someone a Mom. As you celebrate this year, be sensitive to the “moms” whose children aren’t in their arms but are forever in their hearts.

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Fear and Faith

After having Caleb, when I would think about being pregnant again, what concerned me most was being scared and nervous all the time. I couldn’t imagine having the normal pregnancy joy because I thought I’d be so anxious wondering if the baby was ok. But from the moment I thought I was pregnant, I was filled with joy and excitement. I knew those feelings were really a gift from God.

Throughout the pregnancy the days I’ve been fearful and worried have been few. By God’s grace I’ve been able to rest in the confidence He’s given me that everything is going to be ok.

Tomorrow I will have completed 37 weeks. Even now, being in the 37th week, I’m considered full-term. What an amazing gift and testimony of the Lord’s power! But today I woke up scared. I don’t want to get this far and have something go wrong. “Bed rest” doesn’t mean much anymore. I’m allowed to do almost anything. So I have… the last two days I’ve been running errands and crossing things off my to-do list. Nothing major, but I’ve been up and about more than laying down. Therefore I also haven’t felt the baby move as much. When I’m still, he’s moving. When I’m moving, he’s still. You can read it in any baby book, but this change in our routine worried me.

This morning I just felt gripped by fear. I laid in bed counting his kicks and they were normal. He was kicking a lot – and still is – yet I couldn’t shake these feelings. For the last 37 weeks I’ve prayed that the baby would stay safely inside me and now I just want him out. I want to hold him safely in my arms and see him breathing and feel his heart beat. In the womb, I have to trust that he’s ok (and pray for him to kick as reassurance), but I’m ready to see him with my eyes and know he is ok.

I don’t want to be fearful. God doesn’t want me to be fearful. But when I am, it does cause me to turn to Him. There is no one else who holds my world in His hands. I’m thankful for 37 fearless weeks (minus a few fearful days) of a safe, healthy pregnancy.

My bible study small group is reading through Psalms this summer by reading one chapter everyday. We just started May 1, so feel free to read with us. I’ll probably blog about it. For now I’ll leave you with a few verses from the first five chapters which comforted me this morning:

You have given me relief when I was in distress. (Ps 4:1)
The LORD hears when I call to Him (4:3)
You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. (4:7)
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. (4:8)
But let all who take refuge in You rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread Your protection over them, that those who love Your name may exult in You. For You bless the righteous, O LORD; You cover him with favor as with a shield. (5:11-12)

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Running On Empty

Jeff & I at the Baby Shower

This last week I have felt really drained and tired.  I figured I was tired from the baby shower, which is partly true.  But I realized I was missing some things from my routine.  Up to this point, the majority of my time on bed rest (when not visiting with friends), has been spent watching Beth Moore’s Bible study on Esther, reading a lot of Christian books, listening to sermons from various churches, etc.  But I finished the Esther study, I’ve been back at church so I haven’t been listening to sermons at other times, and I finished all the Christian books I wanted to read.

I spent last week writing thank you notes while watching episodes of Parenthood season 3 on Hulu’s free one-week trial and reading In A Sunburned Country for book club.  None of those things are bad.  Parenthood makes me laugh a lot and you can learn things from their families.  Even though I had continued to read my Bible every day, I didn’t have this overflowing, fill-my-mind with God’s Word.

There’s nothing that comforts like God’s Word.  Nothing.  I thought in this season of my life, if I didn’t soak my mind in the promises of God that I might become fearful and anxious.  But instead I just felt empty.

I set my alarm for 10:15am but woke up today at 8:30 really hungry (this is not abnormal). While eating breakfast I listened to Midday Connection, a program of Moody Bible Radio, on the Moody Radio App I have (highly recommend). I read the Bible, I listened to a new mix of songs I made in celebration of Easter, and I read a devotion from Walking With Lincoln (a Christian devotional book I bought for Jeff a few years ago when he mentioned he liked President Lincoln and all of a sudden the Family Christian Store had all these Lincoln-related books).

Now I feel full again. I feel inspired to write the Bible study I keep talking about and not doing anything with. I feel content, satisfied, ready for the day. Soaking yourself in God’s Word and Christian materials isn’t a fix-all for whatever problem is in your life.  You may not always feel great. But I think you’ll feel better than you would without Him.

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You” Isaiah 26:3. This verse was on my Bible-verse-a-day calendar for February 24, 2011, the day Caleb was born and immediately welcomed into heaven.  I kept that calendar at my office so I didn’t know that verse was on the calendar until several weeks later when I went back to work. God has amazing ways of speaking into our lives. If only we would listen.

Caleb’s Birthday

Today was a good day. I didn’t know what to expect on this first anniversary of having Caleb. I woke up this morning, not with a deep sadness, but with a confidence, an assurance, feeling at peace. I’m not sure how to explain it except that everything felt like it was exactly how it should be.

There have been many times in the last year that I have not felt that. Times I wished I could change everything. Times I couldn’t handle reality and wished there was a way to escape. But today felt like a milestone of healing.

Being pregnant now certainly makes it easier to handle Caleb’s birthday. But even if I wasn’t pregnant that wouldn’t change the truths I’ve learned. God has still taken my mourning and turned it into dancing, my sorrows He has turned to joy. He has taken my hopeful faith and turned it into confident assurance.

We heard from family and friends on the phone or by email. Thank you for thinking of us. Moms are famous for bragging about their children – the funny things the toddler says or the good grades the kids are getting. It’s no different with me and Caleb. I just want his life to have mattered and for people to remember him. Thank you for sharing with me the impact Caleb has made on your life. It makes it easier to keep walking this journey of trusting God and knowing He is faithful.

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A Hymn of Praise

20120224-151030.jpg If I could play my guitar, I’d want to sing a few verses of a few songs with you in praise and thanks to God for His blessings. So if you’ll allow me to “lead worship” via writing, here are the lyrics, but feel free to sing along. These first two we sang at Caleb’s funeral. Although I didn’t get many words out through my tears, I had hope that the words were true But today I sing them knowing their truth, and clinging to God.

Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise, And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

I’m so glad I learned to trust Him, Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that He is with me, Will be with me to the end.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust You!
How I’ve proved You o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust You more!

Great Is Thy Faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away, You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name

Desert Song
And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the desert, When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need, My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire, In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

I exalt Thee, I exalt Thee
I exalt Thee, oh Lord
I exalt Thee, I exalt Thee
I exalt Thee, oh Lord

This is my prayer in the harvest, When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again, The seed I’ve recieved I will sow

And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

“I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in Him.” Psalm 40:1-3

Thank You Lord for hearing our cries, for being faithful and near to us. Lord You are always worthy of our praise and we exalt You today over everything else in our lives. Over our fears and worries, over our families and friends, over the happiness and blessings in our lives, we exalt You, knowing You are greater than all else. You alone are worthy of all our praise. In Jesus’ name, Amen!

Remembering Caleb

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Dear Caleb,

Happy birthday! It’s already been one year since I held you in my arms, measuring your tiny feet against my fingers. Though I only knew you a short time, you have changed my life. I have a faith that’s been tested and survived, deeper compassion for others, and a desire that everyone know about you and the work God has done because of your life.

Part of me would (selfishly) still trade all of it to have you here. We would be getting ready for your birthday party. What would be the theme – trucks, trains, teddy bears? I’d be comparing notes with your aunt since your cousin is only a few weeks younger. You would love seeing all your grandparents because they sure love you. I’d have a scrapbook documenting your first year – crawling, steps, words, smiling and laughing.

Instead you get to party with the angels and I have a scrapbook of cards from your funeral. That doesn’t seem fair, Caleb. I wish I was with you!

Part of me wouldn’t change a thing. I know you’re in heaven, a much better place than this earth. I know God doesn’t make mistakes, or take people “too soon.” Your life, Caleb, has given me a voice to share God’s love and faithfulness with others.

You will always have a special place in my heart. From time to time I’ll wonder what we would be doing if you were here. I’ll think of you as I stumble through an answer when people ask if the baby I’m carrying now is my first – a surprisingly difficult question to answer. I’ll tell your little brother all about you. We wouldn’t have him if we hadn’t lost you.

Most of all Caleb, thank you for bringing me closer to God. Thank you for showing me that the Lord is always trustworthy and faithful, and that He walks with me everyday. I love you Caleb and I’m so thankful God gave you to us.

Love,
Mommy

A Heap of Stones

Tomorrow, February 24, marks one year since our son Caleb was born. Arriving early at just 19 weeks, Caleb was too little to survive. My life was turned upside down in a moment. It’s hard to believe it’s already been one year since that day. In some ways though it feels like a lifetime ago.

Those first few days, and weeks, were a whirlwind of emotions. I used to wonder if I would run out of tears to cry, or if a morning would come where my eyes would not be red and puffy. Rare were the nights I could fall right to sleep. Instead I would toss and turn, then grab my iPhone and read the Psalms or email my random emotional thoughts to a friend. I’d have a few breakdowns, such as grocery shopping at Jewel. All of a sudden the wide selection of bread felt overwhelming, and to top it off, they didn’t have my Jif Reduced Fat Peanut Butter…. but choosy moms choose Jif. At times like this I wondered why I didn’t wear my sunglasses into the store.

As the days and weeks passed my heart began to heal. I read a few books that helped put words to what I was feeling but unable to express (I Will Carry You by Angie Smith). I found comfort and peace in the Bible as God reassured me that trusting Him is never a mistake. I’ve had to learn a new “normal” of healing from the loss, grieving Caleb, but never forgetting him and the impact he made in my life.

In the Bible God commanded people to use stones to remember what He had done in their life. “Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder… to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:6-7)

Just as God parted the Red Sea, He also stopped the Jordan River so that the people could cross on dry land. The stones were put near the river to serve as a permanent reminder of what God had done for them. Every time they saw the stones, they remembered God’s promise to give the Israelites their own land. They remembered His miracles to save them. They taught their children about the God who loves them so much and who follows through on His promises. The God who can be trusted.

Caleb will always be a special part of my life. My first baby. Irreplaceable. Since I’m on bed rest I can’t be with all of you tomorrow to remember Caleb. But I would love if you would set aside a moment to remember him, but more importantly, remember God. The Lord has done great things in my life over the last year because of Caleb. If God has worked in your life too because of Caleb, please leave a comment or send me an email. I would really appreciate hearing from you. I’ll write again tomorrow to share my memories of what God has done this year.

Thank you for standing by me in prayer and friendship over the last year. I wouldn’t have made it without you.